Saturday, November 14, 2009

Being the change...?

When I started this blog, I felt this huge burning desire to DO something bigger and more significant with myself. Kept reading these authors who urged the reader to take seriously the role of a Christian to follow Christ... seriously! Books about pilgrims and cheap grace and "the Simple way" all this made me want to realize this.

Its hard not to make fun of this intention, because I am so trained, but there it was.

But before I even started drawing up grand plans, I knew that there were people here, in my house, waking up with me in the morning that needed me more than any orphanage thousands of miles away. And there are even people with whom I don't wake up that for them, the fact we are here is good. I am referring to the daughter of my husband.

But this has led me in this thought circle. I want to serve>overseas>i can do it>but what about ....>okay i will do it soon>I want to serve>overseas...etc.

I walk in this circle mentally wearing ruts in the green shag basement carpet of my mind.

Doesn't it sound tiresome?

Another woman commented to me that I "have so many plans"... I do.

The one thing that has been a thorn in my side for, gee, I don't know, forever, is confidence.

I do not understand this elusive creature. How can someone be so equipped and still have faltering confidence in self even occur to them? I tell you, I have no time for this!

I think any person who as aspired to more in there own lives has run up against those who have told them "they can't do it" or, if they can, it will be as a demonstration in failure, or why bother.

Am rather perpetually in awe that a person would tell another person such a thing, but that circuitously leads into another topic. I mentally note to never ever ever ever ever impart anything but encouragement to my children so they would be equipped should they meet these people.

So when, if I ask, "Being the change...?" it may be a little of a challenge, because sometimes my knees might shake despite my own commitment, i may not jump forward as quickly as I ought, I might not have the resolve in my own voice that should be worn in by now after some of the messes I have weathered.