What I said

I spoke at a women's retreat this weekend, and this is what I said ...

Faithwalk March 13, 2010

Learning about God through raising my own daughters and teaching her about God

1. Prayer

2. Introduction

Relatively speaking, I am new to the Friends church. Before arriving here in Newberg, my faith persevered often times in spite of the church rather than being encouraged from it. I understand those who would be disenchanted by the church, but still having been on the inside of it and the outside of it, I know that outside of Christ there really is absolutely nothing Good, and that comes from life experience. I have given thanks daily and weekly for the Lord’s leading us to Newberg Friends. Here I have found people who I respect, people from whom I might learn a thing or two, and a community where it seems that the aspects of my faith I cherish the most are of high value. I am incredibly grateful for finding this fellowship.

3. Some history, and topic

When thinking about what I was supposed to talk about, I found I had absolutely no desire to talk about what led me to Christ, It feels wrong to go through all the twists and turns that finally brought me to a point where I became Christian… The only really important thing to say might be I rejected Christianity because I didn’t like the culture of the church, and I came to the Lord because I wanted something so much better than what I could find in the world, and truly that is what I have found since turning to Christ when I was 21. From the folly of youth and the day the Lord lifted me out of my own mess, I can see a ribbon of his presence winding its way through my life, introducing and reintroducing himself.

I used to think I would have to turn off my brain to be a Christian, and it has been quite the opposite, that it has kindled an ongoing process of wrestling and reconciling and understanding. I love the story of Jacob wrestling with God, it speaks so much to life in faith, but while I feel like that characterizes my coming to Christ, that isn’t where I am going today,

More intriguing to me these days is the process I am starting of raising a child and what it is teaching me about God. How do I show my own children the face of Christ when I feel so ill-equipped? Sometimes I have wished I had a Christian upbringing, but seeing my husband work through reconciling his own Christian upbringing I am not so sure that’s where its at.

Here I would like to tell a little story about what our family looked like in the spiritual sense….


When I was growing up, I lived in a cul-de-sac with a couple other girls. They were from Christian families. Mine wasn't really that way so much.

Me and Karen and LaVonne played together alot. Karen went to an Assemblies of God church. Karen to this day is one of the sweetest people I can think of. She had a child like wisdom, good behavior and kindness that seemed to be a inherent part of her character. I thought very highly of her. One day I was over at her house for lunch. Before we could eat, she put her hands together, bowed her head and then in a little bit she stopped and ate her tuna salad on white bread.. I watched this. I had no idea what she just did, but I thought this was good, like she was. I asked her what she did, and through a mouth full of tuna salad sammich, she told me she prayed.

When I went home that night for supper, as we gathered around the table I announced "We should pray!" My parents looked at me.
.
"Ok then, pray." I stalled. I had never prayed before I realized at this point, and had no idea what praying really...I just had no idea.
The tension mounted for me, because as I was the youngest, the idea that anyone would pay attention to my suggestion was altogether unusual.
"Ok, well you have to stand up,"
"Why?"
"Because that's how you pray." The family stood up. At this point I am feeling really in trouble because here the same people who usually interrupt me and talk over me at the dinner table are doing what I am telling them to, and I have no clue what I am doing.

"You have to put your hand on your heart"
"What? You do not," said John, my brother.
"Just pray already, I'm hungry," says someone else. So I piously put my hand over my heart and said

"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America..."


I have struggled with a sense of not really being equipped to raise a child to love Christ.
I hope to raise a daughter who perhaps doesn’t have to detour through so many painful choices before she comes to realize the value of the presence of the lord in her life. I don’t feel like I am without resources and some ideas of what is right and good, and that’s what I am going to talk about.

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

I do really feel like when I seek I find he DOES GENTLY lead those that have young. He gently leads me sometimes. And so I try to gently lead Addy. It is important to me that her learning be organic, without stress… gentle. This makes my time with her sometimes more like a rest from everything else—for that moment, the most important thing is that puzzle, or the fort, or the new art supplies. At times it seems that parenting is just a collection of moments, and making the best of each one as we are able to.

4. Resources for the job at hand

• I have found resources along the way that have encouraged me, reassured me, informed me, made me curious, and guided me and more than once I feel like the Lord has done the work for me when it comes to having the right heart about things happening, relating with my daughters

The best so far has been the community of moms I have found in Newberg and specifically at Newberg Friends. I really can’t say enough about how grateful I am that the Lord put us here. I appreciate the words of friends who tell me it’s okay for the kids to have nothing to do for awhile. I appreciate the simplicity of bumping into friends or strangers at a park. I am grateful for prayer groups, play groups with moms who I admire and respect and who have walked my path before. I am so grateful for this community which values the things that I value and around whom I am glad my kids will grow up. I am most specifically grateful for friendships with women who do not complain, but look for ways to cope with circumstances, women who set good examples as believers, women who listen and do not judge. I am constantly encouraged by the friendships the Lord is leading me to.

I have reassurance that the relationship that I have with my daughters offers me insight to the relationship and love the Lord has for me. How could I know the deep soulful love that I have for my girls if the Lord didn’t first have that love for his children? The quantity of joy I take in her has to come from somewhere, and I believe it comes from God, who delights in me as well.

1 John 3:16
By this we know love, because Jesus Christ laid down his life for us…

I know that I am not alone in this path with my girls. He is gently leading me as Isaiah 40:11 says

• Another resource I feel like I am learning a little more about is prayer. The sermon series about prayer resonated with me-Jeff and I talked a lot about it-and I started reading last summer. I read The Way of a Pilgrim by an unattributed author, but coming from the Russian orthodox church and also Prayer by Philip Yancey. The books have changed my prayer life entirely. My own prayer life had its shortcomings and I suspected that there was more to prayer than what I really knew about, because it never seemed as powerful as what people said. My readings lead me to see that prayer was something that might result only in changing my own heart about a circumstance, but so far that has been significant….

Now, when the virtues went around I am pretty sure I got shortchanged on patience.
Some of the suggestions about prayer mentioned in the book have really, really helped me to keep what is most important to me right in front of my face: to be a patient and loving mom at times when I wasn’t sure there wasn’t any more patient left. Daily with my girls, I cannot without regularly praying for mercy, patience, gentleness, self control and the measure of love that is required to be a good parent.

• Prayer has changed my decision making. It has clarified what the purpose of this time of my life is, raising children and looking for things that will make me a better mom. Sometimes that means learning from a gifted teacher of children, sometimes it means learning to play the piano, or other activities that do not require me to be a mom…. And when all else fails, sometimes being a good parent means a little time apart from the kid.

5. God gives me deeper understanding of himself through her

Being much time with a child really is a pouring out of ourselves. It can be really exhausting and also an amazing blessing. She verbally reminds me how God loves me, she blesses me with the singing of hymns we sing together. My heart grows when I see her loving God in her childlike way, and I am encouraged and grateful. In the difficult times the simplicity she represents which is a rest and respite from the complexity of messy problems.

Sometimes I wonder if God doesn’t give us children to teach us something very specific about our relationship with Him, but I am not sure what that is yet.

While I talk about this, I hope it doesn’t sound like “I have this all figured out!”, what I have learned through trials is that I can control pretty much almost nothing in my life, but I can control how I respond. And I am still trying to get on top of that one.

The thing that makes me really joyful is that I am so very much at the beginning of this process, and I am looking forward to what God will reveal. If this sounds overly optimistic, it also again reminds me of how very much my daughters and this whole process is in God’s hands, I cannot worry (though I will probably try)

. It might be important to add, that while I feel like I am learning a lot, it’s because I have a lot to learn…

• Teaching her about showing Christ’s love to those around her, getting her past her own selfishness, and getting me past my own selfishness as well

• Authentically demonstrating my faith, mostly this is through the way I live, the choices we make as a family, priorities

• Choosing the responses what will resonate in her heart

• Showing her how, and what to pray for, and why.

• Nurturing her spiritual growth… what will this look like? I am infinitely grateful for moms around me who if they don’t have all the answers, they encourage me so much.

• Equipping her to go far in life, not hobbling her with hangups (is this even possible?)

In conclusion, the choices, paths or turns my daughters life takes are things that are in God’s hands. The only thing that I can really control on is my response to things that happen, so I pray the Lord will be there teaching me at those times too. Despite what I might lack in informing me how to raise my kids, I am constantly encouraged as the Lord seems to give me what I need, when I need it—how to pray, a community that seems tailor made for where we are in life, encouragement, friendships.

Read Psalm 25: 4-10

Belonging in a Quaker Community

(This is a part of my “Top Ten things that drive me crazy about Quakers” list. from "Gregg's Gambles")

4. Why aren't U.S. Quakers exploding in growth?

Our combination of inward, deep spirituality with outward, passionate social activism is one that a postmodern world is crying out for. It drives me crazy that we aren't catching on like a contagion. Why aren't we exploding like an epidemic?

About 2 years ago, we moved and started going to this church with an amazing history reaching deep into Oregon's rather measly little past (Sorry, but when you have celebrated the 800th anniversary of a town, 100 years is like the fly on the ass of a cow as seen by a person in a car going by at 55 mph).

It was like a drink of cold refreshing water when we arrived in this town to open up this church and see what was inside.

What was inside?

A place where people valued community.
A place where people hung around with each other.
A place where people scratched their chin about their own faith, read books talked and wrote about the bible.
A place where people cared deeply about social justice issues, and how that translates into their daily lives.
A place where people did not value material garbage.
A place where there were people who spoke to you, invited you to their home and included you in the community (gasp! I didn't think people did that anymore!)
A place where people showed their understanding of their own redemption by Christ in the way they lived their lives, humbly, with love. And with a sense of humor.

I really did not think such a place existed in America. All I saw when I looked at the church were frozen chosen, very emotional charismatic worship, Joel Osteen or other figures that made me feel like I could find no common ground, and what was wrong with me? I chastised myself for being too critical, and I gave up.

So can this begin to express my relief? My joy? My sense of blessing at having found a place that if I didn't belong entirely, at least I belonged enough to want to be there, show up and be a part of what the Lord had planned. I felt blessed.

But honeymoons end. I still am grateful to have found "Friends", I am as close as I can ever be to professing a denomination, but I really do miss the cup and I will baptize my girls if they ask. (Quakers don't officially do this).

However, these Quakers, they really don't party nearly enough. Someone should tell the pastor! (tongue firmly in cheek)

Christmas Present

A “Yes” Beyond Emotions

By Henri Nouwen



Everything was there to make it a splendid Christmas. But I wasn’t really there. I felt like a sympathetic observer. I couldn’t force myself to feel differently. It just seemed that I wasn’t part of it. At times I even caught myself looking at it all like an unbeliever who wonders what everybody is so busy and excited about. Spiritually, this is a dangerous attitude. It creates a certain sarcasm, cynicism, and depression. But I didn’t want or choose it. I just found myself in a mental state that I could not move out of by my own force.


Still, in the midst of it all I saw - even though I did not feel - that this day may prove to be a grace after all. Somehow I realize that songs, music, good feelings, beautiful liturgies, nice presents, big dinners, and many sweet words do not make Christmas. Christmas is saying “yes” to something beyond all emotions and feelings. Christmas is saying “yes” to a hope based on God’s initiative, which has nothing to do with what I think or feel. Christmas is believing that the salvation of the world is God’s work and not mine. Things will never look just right or feel just right. If they did, someone would be lying. The world is not whole, and today I experience this fact in my own unhappiness. But it is into this broken world that a child is born who is called Son of the Most High, Prince of Peace, Savior.


I look at him and pray, “Thank you, Lord, that you came, independent of my feelings and thoughts. Your heart is greater than mine.” Maybe a “dry” Christmas, a Christmas without much to feel or think, will bring me closer to the true mystery of God-with-us. What it asks is pure, naked faith. (Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak)

and to this add...

~ Because God loved us all soooo much, He was attentive to our need and our pain, and sent His only child to help us ~ so that whoever believes in Him will not live and die in hopelessness, but have life eternal and everlasting. (John 3:16) Read it again, for the first time.

Let's go full speed ahead in the wrong direction.

Once again, I agree with Rick McKinley who says...

"Christians get all bent out of shape over the fact that someone didn't say 'Merry Christmas' when I walked into the store. But why are we expecting the store to tell our story? That's just ridiculous."

Taken from this article about Advent Conspiracy.

I got an email with a website that ranked a store showing how "Christmas-friendly" it was, and encouraging Christians to not shop at stores that weren't "Christmas friendly".

Huh? I can think of a million gazillion other ways to spend our energies as Christians.

I just googled it and apparently this is a Foxnews Bill O Reilly thing.

my favorite evangelist

Shane Claiborne

http://www.esquire.com/features/best-and-brightest-2009/shane-claiborne-1209#ixzz0Yk4R9iNK

Being the change...?

When I started this blog, I felt this huge burning desire to DO something bigger and more significant with myself. Kept reading these authors who urged the reader to take seriously the role of a Christian to follow Christ... seriously! Books about pilgrims and cheap grace and "the Simple way" all this made me want to realize this.

Its hard not to make fun of this intention, because I am so trained, but there it was.

But before I even started drawing up grand plans, I knew that there were people here, in my house, waking up with me in the morning that needed me more than any orphanage thousands of miles away. And there are even people with whom I don't wake up that for them, the fact we are here is good. I am referring to the daughter of my husband.

But this has led me in this thought circle. I want to serve>overseas>i can do it>but what about ....>okay i will do it soon>I want to serve>overseas...etc.

I walk in this circle mentally wearing ruts in the green shag basement carpet of my mind.

Doesn't it sound tiresome?

Another woman commented to me that I "have so many plans"... I do.

The one thing that has been a thorn in my side for, gee, I don't know, forever, is confidence.

I do not understand this elusive creature. How can someone be so equipped and still have faltering confidence in self even occur to them? I tell you, I have no time for this!

I think any person who as aspired to more in there own lives has run up against those who have told them "they can't do it" or, if they can, it will be as a demonstration in failure, or why bother.

Am rather perpetually in awe that a person would tell another person such a thing, but that circuitously leads into another topic. I mentally note to never ever ever ever ever impart anything but encouragement to my children so they would be equipped should they meet these people.

So when, if I ask, "Being the change...?" it may be a little of a challenge, because sometimes my knees might shake despite my own commitment, i may not jump forward as quickly as I ought, I might not have the resolve in my own voice that should be worn in by now after some of the messes I have weathered.

Bill Maher and Religulous

Last night we watched a documentary called Religulous by Bill Maher. I think I have seen this guy before, but didn't really know what his shtick is. I guess I was hoping someone would mount a real argument against the tenets of faith and see if they could knock them down. I left before it ended.

I was disappointed. Maher himself is more interested in listening to himself feel superior. He interviewed all variety of goofballs and then actually Frances Collins, who is the originator of the Human Genome Project, but edited the interview so ferociously that it basically was just Maher talking. Then on to the goofballs and a bunch of clips of snake oil salespeople (who have existed for all of eternity, but now we can see over and over thanks to TV), disgraced televangelists and movie shorts.

But in no way can I improve on what Frank Shaeffer wrote about Religulous and Bill Maher. Found here, and worth a read because it is also funny.

Here's some Schaeffer asserting the well known tenet that Maher's form of Atheism is not only akin, but ostensibly equal to fundametalist thinking.

The New Atheists' books provided a context for Bill Maher's movie Religulous, the most blunt instrument imaginable. Maher's documentary expands what Harris started in his book The End of Faith. Harris begins his book with a scene of a young Islamic terrorist in Jerusalem smiling as he commits suicide while blowing up a bus full of innocent people. In Religulous, Maher gleefully includes many more images of look-how-crazy-God-makes-everyone, religion-inspired violence. The Harris/Maher message is as clear: the world would be better off without religion.

There is another message in the Maher/New Atheist oeuvre: everyone must think in categories stripped of allegory. Forget the idea that perhaps one may hold two contradictory ideas at the same time, say that none of the stories in the Bible happened as written, but that they are true in more subtle ways than mere historicity, or that we're nothing but jumped up chimps, but are also connecting to a deeper reality when we say, "the Lord is my shepherd" and hope that he is.

The New Atheists don't seem to "get" grown up allegory any more than the fundamentalists of the Religious Right do, let alone literary imagination. And both the Religious right and the New Atheists also seems oblivious to serious religious thinkers from Confucius to the Sufi poets, from Reinhold Niebur to one of Reinhold Niebuhr's biggest fans; President elect Obama.

Maher's world contains no Pastor Deitrick Bonhoffer (martyred for trying to assassinate Hitler, and who defined the intellectual and theological terms for resistance to state tyranny based on Christian ethics), or the intellectual man of letters and convert from atheism to the Roman Catholic Church, Malcolm Muggeridge, let alone an awareness of the prayers written by the "atheist" W.E.B. Du Bois for his students, a poignant demonstration that faith is not so easily abandoned.


Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/frank-schaeffer/president-obama-bad-news_b_141342.html

Surprised by life

A poem I found from Pam Ferguson, who is what I hope to be when I grow up.

A link to her here.

(Confessions of middle age)

I have been surprised by life.

I never thought I would reach middle age
and in the blink of an eye I’m 55.
I still catch glimpses of myself as a 16 year old,
a 20 year old, or a 40 year old.
I see where I came from, where I have been,
people from my past and sometimes
I see my life through their eyes.

And I am surprised.

What an amazing amount of experiences I’ve had in my 55 years,
some good and some bad.

I’ve seen the pygmies dance.
I swam in the Indian Ocean.
I gathered seashells on Zanzibar Island.
I’ve been to the source of the Nile.
I’ve seen the whirling dervishes in Khartoum
and a riot in the middle of Kampala.

I walked where Paul and Silas broke free from prison and I stood at the Acropolis where Paul told the Greeks about “the God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and doesn’t live in temples built by hands”.

I’ve eaten grasshoppers and termites,
rattlesnakes and crocodile.
I’ve smelled the blossoms of a coffee orchard,
incense from sandalwood, frankincense and myrrh
....and open sewers, burning trash, rotting flesh,
drying fish and camel dung.

I’ve awakened to the Muslim call to prayer,
applauded communion with Catholics in Africa,
worshipped in opulence with Greek Orthodox,
and in silence with Quakers on three continents.

I’ve heard the explosions of land mines and
gunshots fired in celebration, in fear,
in anger and in rebellion.
An AK 47 was aimed at me as thieves stole our car
and I was held hostage in my home by an escaped prisoner.

In spite of the good and the bad and the many surprises of life,
I discovered an unexpected peace in middle age.

Of course there are regrets.

I never experienced the joy of childbirth.
I spent too much time in sin and selfishness.
I’ve ignored my creator too many times in too many ways.
And I know there is much in life that I have not experienced
nor that I have lived as fully as I was capable,
loved as much as I could or forgave as much as I know God intended.

I am surprised those regrets aren’t the focus of life now.

Middle age always brings questions of

“who am I?”
“What have I given my life to?”
and “for what (and my whom) will I be remembered?”

I’ve yet to discover many of the answers.
But I am surprised I no longer fear the questions.

I’ve confessed that I never thought I would reach middle age.
I think I’ve always thought I would die before I got this “old”.
Now I am catching glimpses of the rest of my life.

What a joy to realize I’ve learned
material possessions matter less than relationships;
obedience is more satisfying than success;
and the highest calling in life is
to make a difference in the world for Christ.

Middle age is a wake up call to use
the time I have left to love unconditionally,
give unselfishly, make right what I’ve wronged,
cherish what time I have with the man I love,
and to use every waking moment to live and walk with God
and to grow in my love for God with each passing day.

Middle age is a gift. I am surprised.

Missing the ritual a little

Listening to a not overly exciting podcast from NPR's Speaking of Faith on a roadtrip, the speaker was talking on a subject that I am keenly interested in. The spiritual lives of children.

One thing she brought up was the role that ritual plays for kids. How it can help to organize in their minds important events, how it shows them the importance of these celebrations. They build strong memories around these times with their parents and family.

I can say it is very true in my own experience. I remember the Catholic church my mom took me to with great clarity, mostly because I had no idea what the significance of any rituals meant.

And for a second I lamented the lack of ritual that we currently implement. I wondered if it would just leave all this stuff and amorphous blob of God info in her young mind. Don't laugh.

I had the following conversation with her

Who is God?
He is the Father of Jesus the Christ.
Who is Jesus the Christ?
He loves us.
What is a Christ?
It means God loves me.

Her answers blessed me.

At that moment I realized something else entirely. Another conversation happened maybe.

How do I make ritual for my child?
You don't.
Will it be bad that she doesn't have it?
You aren't the one in charge here, so you need to quit worrying about this.

What my young daughter teaches me about God.

A couple weeks ago a nice guy talked in front of the church. He talked about (let's see if I can reiterate a sermon from 3 weeks ago) how God limits himself for us because he loves us.

The image that he gave that I took away was the pictures that children draw that we put on our fridge. We put them up there not because they are Rembrandt's, but because we love the little people who made them.

I am trying to be brief, but the idea is that there is more to our relationship with God than being perfect in His eyes. Because we never will be. The important thing there is the love.

With my sweet daughter, we go through things. She learns new things at an astonishing rate. Sometimes good, sometimes less than good. Recently she has mostly overcome her fear of getting her face in the pool. For me, seeing her do that was HUGE, because I have never managed to become much of a swimmer and water still inspires a degree of anxiousness for me. For my husband, this is not a problem, he is an easy swimmer. He has conquered the water. We have made a BIG DEAL out of her dunking and her putting her face in the water.

And she has overcome some dawdling things she used to do, she can clean up her room, she works better in the kitchen with me, she can wash the windows (handy for when she has painted them with yogurt)...

But lately we struggle with kindness. Part of the problem is sleep. If she is the least bit tired, it is almost impossible for her to be nice. Visiting grandparents, family members presents a particular problem as there is little to no opportunity for naps. So my family, who seldom gets to see her, often gets the full brunt of her worst side.

It pains me. And her dad.

She makes faces, denies hugs, and has a whole array of ways to show herself to be short, snippy, bratty and generally unpleasant. It makes me want to keep her home.

But surely as she has learned many many other things by sheer perseverance, I am heartened that we will go along and soon she will hear me reiterate this enough that we will have a breakthrough.

And sometimes I feel like it is this way in my spiritual life. A weakness (oh, and there are enough, aren't there?) will show itself eventually, and it will just keep presenting itself. Over, and over, and over...

Until eventually it will slowly, slowly begin to sink in how to supplant a bad thing with a good thing, or at least, a neutral thing. S l o w l y.

And soon, a new habit will emerge.

But like my lovely little daughter, who learns so much faster, it takes time. Luckily, it seems to me that that is one thing that God has.

Hmm, interesting

A christian satire online magazine? I remember reading this for the first time when I had just become a Christian and being relieved that Christians had am irreverent sense of humor.

The Wittenburg Door.

Shane and Dietrich.

This is Shane Claiborne. And more about this fellow.


This is Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

So when was it that I was reading some Shane Claiborne? I just remember that for about a 3 week period it seemed like he was everywhere, on Speaking of Faith, at George Fox, and in my hands as I read the Irresistible Revolution. Bumping in to people who were reading it... and some part of me heard that monastic call.

And another part of me said, "but wait, I have 2 kids and a husband and well, I can sacrifice myself, but kids need a mom,"

And so I stored it in a place in my brain that makes notes of things, things like the call of a Christian is to truly sacrifice what you have and follow Christ. I apologize for not quoting scripture on this one, but it wouldn't be hard to do. The call doesn't say accumulate wealth for retirement, live in a nice house and take your kids to swimming lessons. So there is this fundamental question. How does this all look for the likes of me? Am I like the guy who asks Jesus who his neighbor is in order to try to get out of the "Love your neighbor" command? So turning this over in my head.

Shane points out the parable of the rich man who all but boasts that he has kept all the commandments and now what more should he do.

Jesus tells him to sell all he owns and follow him. Rich man leaves crestfallen. He asked and the answer came. He has only 2 choices now. Obedience, or not.

And this same passage is coming up in Bonhoeffer now, The Cost of Discipleship.

My faith doesn't call me to a life of comfort. And yet, and yet...

Why does this keep coming up? I am at once excited and mortified by the message. I am afraid of the sacrifice. The shakeup. I wonder if it isn't that I do all I can in my current position. I was so pleased this week when a mom I invited to VBS brought her daughter. She was a Latina from El Salvador. I was happy she came. It's so small, but is this it?

The Cost of Discipleship, J and I read some in the car as we drove a long distance. We discussed alot. It was really really wonderful. I appreciate so much when he shares in my inputs.


This is Reinhold Niebuhr.

It isn't an *easy book*. He has been reading Niebuhr and said that was pretty dense and the 2 were on par. It is packed full. One could likely read it several times. It is the kind of book for which I long for a book club.

I am still reading the Madeleine L'Engle, but she is like a sweet easy fluffy candy by contrast.

Talking about the book is easier than talking about the message it contains, which so far is about as subtle as a brick up side my head.

And while I stumbled around to pretty up this post, I found this guys blog which looked moderately interesting.

Finishing the Shack and starting Madeleine L'Engle

Last year at some point I put down the Shack.

It was too much for me. I am wary of popular Christian lit to begin with because it always seems to have the subtlety of a freight train. Anyway, a reliable source told me that I really should finish it. It has taken almost a year, but I did it.

And it was worth it. It was one of those books, however, that if you tell about it, it instantly sounds corny, far fetched, spacy or other slightly undesireable qualities. So I will leave it at "it turned out to be worth it" It was a good book to read before going to bed, it said things that seem like they needed to be said about God.

J and I have been going back and forth about the meanings of the words "doubt" and "wrestling". I say wrestle, he says doubt. When he says doubt to me, initially its no biggie, but when he doubts so much I start to narrow my eyes a little and wonder what's up. So we have the conversation again, about doubt vs. wrestling. And then I go pray for him. Haha, just kidding. But not really.

So as I was leaving the library with my old looking copy of Brothers Karamazov, a book I should have read a Looooooong time ago, I say "Circle of Silence by Madeleine L' Engle. And it pulled me in. And so far, I am so pleased. I was turned on to this author by the same person who recommended The Shack.

I will write about what she says next time when I am a little further along, but it is nice to be reading a female voice again. It is always nice to share a perspective with the author.

The Way of a Pilgrim

Every now and then a book changes something about the reader. This is one of those books. I enjoyed Way of a Pilgrim, will likely buy it, might read it again, but have really liked the subject it discusses, which is prayer.

The book talks about the ecstatic experience from certain prayer rituals. I don't know anything about that. It is kind of hard to imagine for me, but am content to say "Well it's out there for some..." and I think it is interesting. I am not there, to that experience.

Before any of you start to tune out about "ecstatic prayer" thinking it's one of those kinds of books I might first mention that he indicates that the prayer he is saying is a simple "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me". That's it.

But the husband and I were talking about how even though we might not express worship that way, it is rather magnificent and beautiful to know that there is so much that we don't know about our God, and the mystical and poetic ways that he can be known. For me, it make me smile and be grateful that there was so much more to God that I had only seen this little drop.

And it introduces a technique of prayer that is so simple and accessible that it has been a nice addition.

I learned that the Philokalia, the book it refers to alot as a wise book in helping to understand the bible, is actually a real book that can be purchased.

And anecdotally, the book is also the book that is referred to in J.D. Salinger's book Franny and Zooey. I was a big Salinger fan in my youth.

Way of a Pilgrim has its roots in Orthodox Russian church. It has been my first glimpse inside that church really. Having visited really alot of orthodox churches, I knew that there were cultural and language barriers, but it really felt altogether like a different religion.

After reading Way of a Pilgrim, I think maybe not so much a different religion. It is hard to gain access though to the heart of a faith, when language and culture stand as barriers, and there is no one there to help bridge the divide.

I am reminded of a young woman I lived with in Vladimir. She and I were talking about missionaries and said she didn't understand why they came to Russia. After all, she said, they have their own church. She had a very good point.

But after living there, and now hearing about how it is there even now, I know that the orthodox church, well, people don't go really, except perhaps in rural areas.

Still it is there, and perhaps things will change in Russia...

But as for the book, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the narrators devotion and pilgrimage. It has its own place but it is a book I would recommend as a sort of devotion.

This 'n that

Jeff sent me this article that he found on his meanderings at lunch.

It basically is a sort of addition to the attacks between atheists and Christians. I guess I am reluctant in posting because it does nothing to de-escalate the issues really. It might inflame them some, but it does quote some stuff that atheists have said generalizing Christians categorically negatively, at the same time crying "victim".

By and large it seems to me that the right response to atheist rhetoric is general apathy, and this article just really confirms to me that most of this stuff is little more than kids on the playground, name-calling.

But here is something more positive. Shane Claiborne wrote a piece for the Washington Post about the National Day of Prayer. In true Shane fashion, it makes me feel glad to get a drink of the water of his writing. Here is a tidbit.

So, rather than argue that National Day of Prayer is something that should go away with Jerry Falwell and the Christian Coalition, we say keep it. Let's call Christians (and everyone else) to prayer. But let's also challenge ourselves to become the answer to our prayers. When we pray for the hungry, let's remember to feed them. When we pray for the unborn, let's welcome single mothers and adopt abandoned children. When we give thanks for creation, let's plant a garden and buy local. When we remember the poor, let's re-invest our money in micro-lending programs. When we pray for peace, let's beat our swords into plowshares and turn military budgets into programs of social uplift. When we pray for an end to crime, let's visit those in prison. When we pray for lost souls, let's be gracious to the souls who have done us wrong.

Any ideas?

Okay the GK Chesterton book I got from the library about St. Francis is really hard for me to navigate.

I have heard that this writer is a heavy hitter, but his style of writing is incredibly thick. Like fog.

I am a little baffled how he can take St. Francis and make him so, so...

thick?

opaque?

What's the word here?

So I think I am moving on to another book about Assisi.



And I need a suggestion. I might actually try to read something about Thomas Aquinas, but I don't know where to start. If you know a good place, tell me. I have heard the Penguin Classics route can sometimes not give all that good a snapshot...?

I need to begin reading, I am in a desert here, looking for some water.

Crickets & Lent

Well it would seem that Lent started and I left the building.

I go for long times where I ponder whether blogging is a waste of time. But then I need to sort of process out loud again, and I want to keep the results so the blog goes into service again.

This Lent, as we head up on the 6th week, has been such a blessing. Because I am taking care of my daughter, breastfeeding, I didn't really feel like fasting of food was the right thing to do for Lent. | thought about the computer, but I am just not sure how that would look. I use it for so much, communication with family, recipes, banking and just a gazillion other things that I just couldn't see how it would happen.

So for Lent the Lord has been leading me with a service focus. It has been an amazing blessing. First it makes me do things that I have been thinking I needed to do for a very long time with regard to people in my life or around me, and now they are getting done. It has been wonderful in so many ways. Ask me when you see me.

I have been convicted in a couple areas. Mentally I ruminate on how to extricate myself from these bad cultivated habits. One has to do with parents, another with confidence. I have made a loving change with my daughter.

And I have had something come to light that I needed to eliminate. It has been a busy 6 weeks.

Blessings abound, building friendships, an open door to start tutoring Spanish, a baby dedicated, a birthday and new teeth. Who could not be joyful in this time?

A wonderful guide to working through Lent

Have been very blessed and look forward to pursuing this piece of work on how to mark Lent.

Lent typically hasn't been paid alot of attention in the protestant tradition, which mostly just means that it is hard to know what to do if one were to mark Lent. I can't hardly bring myself to say "celebrate" Lent, since it mirrors the time that Jesus spent in the desert fasting. But it is a substantially significant time for those who follow after Christ.

But without that knowledge of how to pass Lent, one hardly knows where to start.

This prayer guide is a superb start.

Lent, Repentance and Survival Mode

A friend mentioned something about Lent and how to mark it in our lives.

Before even realizing that it was a Lenten tradition, I have lately been moved to repentance.

Most of the things going through my mind are from the past. Largely because this has been a season of the past being tromped up just randomly, over and over again. And so the naturally reflective ruminates and inevitably wonders "What was I thinking?" "Who was that person?"

Tonight I realized. It was because I was largely on survival mode for many years. That survival mode was marked with alot of fear, mainly just about one thing: Rent.

edit: Let me extrapolate. I was single until I was 31. When I say "rent" it is because my main goal was just to get a career under me, and that career was to be teaching overseas. However, God had other plans for me and teaching overseas was to be postponed until I wasn't racked with student debt. It was a stressful time, I put alot of pressure on myself and by extension, did so with others. Decisions I made, while not earth-ending, didn't always reflect the values I sought to cultivate.

And when did it end? Well I guess it ended with marriage. And then it really ended with the birth of a child, and of course fortuitous career circumstances.

So when I am done repenting, it will be time to give thanks. But for now, am grieving and praying the Lord will hurl these as far away as only he can, so they will never undermine a changed heart.

Manly Devotions, part 2

At one point a while ago, I posted a poorly written piece with the same title. I say poorly written because it was hard to tell where I was going.

The post was alot of "Devotions are pointless and not very helpful" which meant "Isn't it just as good to do something else, instead?"

Well, I was misinterpreted, and rightfully so since I rushed through the post.

I think it was interpreted as "Spiritual disciplines are a waste of time," which I don't believe, and hope no one would...

At worst, I sometimes feel like devotionals are part of a way to make money. I get my podcasts for free.

To further complicate the message, I was relaying a message from someone else, not from myself.

I should have said something along the lines of "Devotion books that focus on predigested pieces of "spiritual thoughts" one a day are not very helpful for some people. Other ways of exercising spiritual disciplines are more helpful."

Secondary questions were "Do I have to do it every day at the same time? Do I have to do it in the morning? What if my schedule changes, can I change the time?"

The message I was hearing from the friend was along the lines of: "What if I keep reading these "devotions books" and they just make me feel like "this is something I must do", but I get alot more edification, satisfaction and am more motivated from those other media? Why are those "devotions books" so feminine, or they talk to me about generalities of which I have no interest?"

I wasn't really talking about myself, but I could sympathize with from whom it came.

Not long ago an old teacher of mine said this in his blog.

This morning as I sat, before the family or even the sun rose, with my Bible, my prayer journal, a good book to stretch me, I realized- part of my calm right now is simply a result of having cultivated through the discipline of meeting with God on a daily basis, a trust in Him that actually makes in difference when it comes to dealing with the crap life throws at you.

And I had a eureka moment. I almost jumped up, looking for who I could tell this *new* old important morsel to.

I guess the parting thought here is no 1+1=2 with God. There is no prescription or 12 steps to God, at least not in the bible (correct me if I am wrong, gentle readers).

In a piece by Donald Miller he references Mercutio mocking Romeo for "Loving by Numbers" and talks about America's love for 3 steps to this, or 5 keys to that (though Mercutio was referring to the iambic pentameter that Romeo used to communicate to his beloved). Included in this is our relationship with the Lord. Donald Miller suggests, and I have to say that I agree, that there is no such thing in the bible guaranteeing "closeness with God" or "spirit-filled living" if one does this, that and the other thing. If anyone says so, they are selling something.

Where am I going with this?

Point is that no one has "the key" to how to pursue God, only suggestions of what has worked for others. Sometimes, for me anyway, what works is to just keep trying.

I found it profound that Mother Teresa spent her last twenty or more years desperately seeking the presence of God in her life. She simply suffered because she didn't "feel" Him near, as she had in the past. And there is so much talk about the "spirit filled life" (I get frustrated by this jargon) and yet...

Some might say that you can love God by numbers or by a formula, but something I learned from another teacher is that no one can referee between you and God. For example, I can't admonish my daughter effectively to read her bible daily, I can only live by example and pray. And therein lies the truth, that it all boils down to a relationship between the person and God, between which stands no person. Just as it was at the beginning and will be at the end.