Culture wars and Religion wars in Portland Oregon

I have always liked more to live in an environment that is relatively liberal. Such as Portland, Oregon. But sometimes, Portland and me, see, we don't always agree. There is a sort of tension I see/hear/read/experience living as a follower of Christ in the wildly liberal PacNW.

Recently I met a friend up at Mississippi Pizza and Pub and had the sort of experience that kind of illustrates this "culture war". While I was reading Willamette Week, I sat next to a young lady who was telling a friend first about a college class she was disappointed with (the forestry service was sexist because they gave the ladies daintier, smaller patches to wear--the outrage!), but then about her wildly religious brother. They had disagreed I guess.

It sounded like he was talking to her about his faith and she was getting offended, saying things like "Just because I have a tattoo, doesn't mean I am going to hell,". It's hard not to smirk at these types of comments, and if her brother was suggesting that she was going to hell for her tattoo, than I would be agreeing more with her.

Later she said something like she believes that she would be judged based on how she lived her life as to whether she would go to heaven. As a Christian, I am wondering, she rejects the faith, why would she want heaven?

Her tone was hard but pretty much common. At one point she mentioned how he might be going to hell because he was wearing socks that had mixed fibers in them. She seemed to feel she had bested him in this comment, said that he was confused. Probably because he was so ignorant about the bible? Apparently he did try to explain to her that Christians didn't live under that law anymore, but this was more than she wanted to go into...

While I am trying to not hear this annoying conversation, I am reading WW which is panning a short film made by a Lake Oswego man called "Jesus save me from your followers" or something like this. The reviewer lambasted the film's producer as a "milk toasty emergent church type." How sad I thought, here this guy is trying to address the weird malice that exists between the world and the church here in the PacNW, and this fellow can do nothing but be critical. Sometimes it seems that Portland, like others I know, are so offended, annoyed and "evolved past" religion in their post modernism, that any acknowledgment of religion smells like caveman to them, and is thus retrograde.

Further, in the car listening to a podcast from Speaking of Faith, Shane Claiborne (a new Monastic and Christian activist) discusses with Chuck Colson (born again Christian indicted for scandal for Watergate crimes, now prominent Christian author) and Greg Boyd (mega church pastor who preached about the church not endorsing politics and lost a bunch of people from his church) are on a panel talking about the best way to represent Christ in the voting booth--basically a whole lot of conversation and fresh air on the subject of the religious citizen, not left right or otherwise. This wonderful podcast found here.

And it is played out in my life too. I was baptized and in alot of ways mentored by folks who were very Christian/Republican--and I never quite felt like I fit in with them. We don't talk about politics because it gets too hot too fast. My husband as well comes from a conservative background, and we find ourself not allying with with either a left or right viewpoint.

My eternal questions are "When can we stop talking about political parties in religion? When can we just get to the point that we realize that if political parties are dividing a faith, they need to be eschewed as a bad thing? When can we stop singing patriotic songs in church and when can we quit mixing up religion and nationalism? Hasn't Islam showed us how these things don't mix?"

As for the girl I overheard, I know that there are alot of people out there who have been utterly turned off by the religion due to the sheer humanity that represents it. At one time I was among her ranks. No one told me to dislike Christians, I effectively absorbed it from the culture. Christians were weak, sad, brainwashed, suffered from mystery maladies, told strange stories, spoke in tongues, were doggedly right wing and incapable of thinking outside that---a whole slew of negative connotations that in my younger years I attributed to Christians.

So what happened? Well, I got changed around, and yes, it was the best thing that could have happened. And miraculously I didn't also turn into a republican, stop thinking, become sad, weak or brainwashed or begin suffering mystery maladies.

In fact, I began thinking more about bigger questions...I struggled and wrestled with the stuff in the bible (and still do) to make sense of it and sometimes to put it on the shelf until it becomes clearer. I know that if I could understand every aspect of why God is how he is, he wouldn't be worth pursuing. I wonder about how this faith will work out in my every day life, and that is where the excitement it, really. I learn more, in general, about many of the bigger questions-- stuff I never thought of before I became a Christian 18 years ago. I have to reconcile things. All in all, being a Christian has been much more exciting, thought provoking, lead to interesting conversations, joyful and challenging than I ever thought it could be when I was on the outside looking in.

My brain didn't switch off, actually, it was more like it switched on. I thought for myself rather than absorbing what my surrounding "culture" (my friends, my media, my education) told me about "religious types".

And so Imago Dei prays for Portland. And I do too. I hope Portland will also start thinking, listening and the church will be there with something worth listening to.

Actually, that part worries me the most. To be continued.

A good change.

It's hard to talk about decisions made regarding church without talking about things that were hard to bear at some point. And whenever one goes there, there is a bit of "Oh so you think you are too good for..."

or it sounding like one is being overly critical.

When in reality, my heart just started wanting something really different than the way church was being done. I wanted a place to study the bible. I wanted maybe a few other people my age. And of course, I wanted to be in a church service that didn't mostly talk about self help psychology and have singing that reminded me of the 700 club. I wanted no more people in front of me shouting "JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!"

And I had begun reading contemplatives and had for some years seeing service as really the best way for me to serve.

Enter the alternatives. I looked at the emerging church. I still listen to the podcast sermons from Imago Dei, not because they are emerging, but because they are so solid. I never could see what the distinctives were really, and felt like the distinctives were little more than they were distinct. Being different for the sake of being different, was that all there was? I never understood how what the emerging church was so terribly different, but if they were bringing people to the Lord, well that has to be good. I liked Brian McLaren, I agree with him, and Rick McKinley and that other Blue Like Jazz guy...but something inside me wanted more than merely new.

I am at a Quaker church. And while no denomination is always going to be the best at all the time, so far I am so impressed with some things I am seeing...

People here actually are involved with so much of what happens at the church. It isn't a top down type of thing. People talk about what shape they want their worship services to take.

People read books and they have a huge active library, they share their books with you and they are a nice bit beyond one's life having a purpose.

There is a focus on service and equality. This focus isn't entrenched in decisions that were made eons ago. It is dynamic, new daily. "How does this look now?"

The services blend technology so elegantly. I don't feel like I am in a theater, nor do I have to read an overhead projector.

The church is a nice size. I don't know how many people, but with 3 services, we have to look for a place to sit in the balcony if we don't come early enough. There is a good mix of ages, from youth to the seniors.

They think about what they believe, and ask questions and discuss and it is interesting to them. I thought for the longest time that Christians didn't talk about religion because it was maybe not tasteful, or it might be a secret, but the nitty gritty, well, it was not nice or something. And if I did want to talk about it, it became so dogmatic, a reiteration of the same talking points... I am so relieved to be able to talk about it here.

And if that wasn't good enough, there is a Friends church with a co-op preschool just a touch down the road. Most excellent for the mom with little ones.

An about faith

My friend L and I, once when we were talking about faith told me that she envies me for being able to believe in God. She said she just never could. My thought was "That's too bad," because nothing in life would make any sense or having any meaning without Jesus.

I left here comment at that. But whenever one runs in evangelical circles, there is always this question about unsaved friends. People have plenty to say about our unsaved friends.

One person though talked about having a friend just like my friend L. This person's friend also said that they were envious of people who had faith, they wish they also had that faith.

And then this person said that if we follow the logic, that this friend was saying "only crazy people would believe in this nonexistent supernatural entity" and then was saying that they could suspend disbelief long enough to be able to have the comfort that would come from believing in this nonexistent supernatural entity.

So this person concluded, that when a friend tells you that they wish they could believe in God, but were unable to, they are really saying that they wish they could be crazy, like you are, because it must be easier.

I laughed and thought this was pretty harsh, but as I think about it, I can't really see where it is untrue. Even if I don't choose to see my friends this way.

Prosperity Doctrine

Joel Osteen


His message is so mixed of truth with just "feel good self help" it is spooky. How to discern the fluff from the scriptural?

And for John Piper, who I respect, it makes him angry.



Spending time on the aberrations of the church is kind of negative vortex of wasted time, but I see so much of this "feel good self help messages" that I wonder if the bible got boring for the pastor. I wonder if he feels that we know everything about Revelation already. I don't. I want to learn some more. And so I wonder why I keep entering these churches that people rave about that look more like rock shows and deliver and nice fluffy message that barely touches the word of God.

I feel these places sell deception and prevent people from growing in the richness of coming to know Jesus. It is a reason to pray for the American church.

One of the pastors showed this on Sunday. At first we are smiling because it is like a cross between James Brown and a pastor, but towards the end, you have to admit, it's good.

Reading

Henri Nouwen: The Selfless way of Christ. I really enjoy most of the way he writes. He brings out aspects of Christ's character that I haven't seen emphasized much, and it's really a drink of fresh cold water.

Mother Teresa: The Simple Path, In My Own Words, In the Heart of the World. Well clearly I have been on a frenzy of Mother Teresa stuff. I think every person could learn alot from her, I know I can. Reading what she does, her encouragements, prayers and about her work is some good soul food. (not like bbq, a little different) Her life's work is just powerful, only in that it is so incredibly simple.

Randy Alcorn: Heaven. A friend read this and it is coming highly recommended so I am going to start.

And I am not sure about this blog. I initiated it because there really are so many thoughts that rattle around in my head about spiritual subjects. But when I write about them, they become so trivialized, I feel like. It's like writing about some really very personal stuff, and just throwing it out there. Knowing fully this blog isn't read much if at all, I am not sure to what extent it matters, but when I write some of this stuff, it feels a little cheaper. Unless I can make fun of something, and it's funny, I am not sure if publishing is the way to go.

The Past

In China, when they are embarrassed about something or aware that they have broken one of their many rigid social norms, they lower their face.

I found this an easy cultural thing to adopt after I went there. Enough were the times and even now, are the times when I want to put my face down, I can't explain all the reasons why.

I guess part of me wants to blame it on something else, the misspoken words, the ill-conceived ideas, the overreactions. "I was brought up this way," "I was young," "That was a hard time in my life, that's why I did that," In fact, alot of times, I look for an excuse for my mistakes to understand myself.

And I am comforted by all the mistakes that I see in the people that God loved alot throughout the bible. I guess it makes me feel among good company of mistake makers.

But I don't live with God, I live among people. And some people have seen me at my worst. I have done stuff, said stupid stuff and hurt people I care about such that even now as a married person I consider how I can let them now how sorry I am.

It's not fake contrition, or histrionics, I don't talk about it and I basically try not to think about it because it does me no good to wallow in my mistakes.

But I do guess I wish someone would have told me that I would have to live with these mistakes with a memory as fresh as a warm loaf of bread.

And while there might be anxiety management, and anger management and ways to help with depression or all these other things, shame is something people get to deal with entirely on their own.

God forgives. But what about people who were friends? I don't think that most people are very good at completely forgetting when they were trampled. All the memory still is there.

And so why does it matter? Let go, be done with it. And so it is. But I miss the friendships I had with these intelligent, creative people, and I am compelled to stay away so that I don't do anymore damage or cause unpleasant memories to arise in them.

And ironically after every time I make a foolish misjudgement, I think "Well, at least I am smarter than that now," And while I would like very much to believe that, I have said it just often enough to wonder if I believe if I will ever be free of the mistakes I make, if ever I will just get to be a good thing to my friends.

Something old, something new

So we moved in November. New community. New neighborhood. We don't really know anyone here.

So we had to find a new church. I might have voiced before, I wasn't entirely unhappy about this change. I am not a church hopper, but I honestly was just okay with taking a different direction in church.

About a year and a half ago, I got all curious about Anabaptists. Then I got all curious about contemplatives and new Monastics and all my real closeness with God was happening in service opportunities. It was through those experiences my heart was changing, I was learning. Mostly because I didn't know what I was doing and so anything good I had to offer had to come from the Lord. And I knew and know I had/have a long way to go, but felt and feel that I really had found where my direction was.

So back to finding a new church. As fate would have it (or perhaps it was planned all along), we moved to Newberg. Initially we were going to move to another town where my job is, but all the houses there were insanely overpriced. We would have to move out of the city into the country into a smaller, less attractive, not well located home to afford this other town. Before that, we looked in many, many other towns. All had obstacles that were forbidding. Overpriced, poor, no homes or whatever. The final option was Newberg. And here we are, happy with where we landed.

So the first part of establishing our community and getting involved was to find a church to dig roots in.

Our first church was a foursquare church. It was like our other church in many ways.

But on the way to the foursquare church, the Friends church we passed seemed to always be hoppin. And since we were looking for something new, we gave it a try.

It is hard to explain why we liked it so much with out letting on a little about what we were trying to get away from. We had visited a church that honestly felt more like a Janet Jackson concert than a church. It was very dark with many TV screens and while the message was fine, the whole experience was so passive that it made me feel like I was in the audience, watching other people worshiping.

Since I got back from Russia, the American church I had to deal with more than anything. I felt like church was starting to look like 700 club. I couldn't not go. I didn't want to be critical. I just resigned myself to a church that was changing into something I didn't really like. Apparently there were small groups, but it was never clear how to become involved. Worship, opportunities to serve, the depth of teaching...I decided church was important, but not because it was necessarily edifying.

Both J and I have been happy with how this Friends church is meeting us right up to our every hope of what we could find in a church home. It is contemplative, it is relevant, it is open to voices from the congregation, it is service oriented. It didn't hurt either that a really nice couple opened their home to us.

I am excited about what we are going to be learning...we haven't settled on this one place yet, but it is a Friends church, Quaker. Hopefully they will invite us to their potlucks :o) (could they possibly be better than a Baptist potluck is for a starving college student?)

A new old concept

So, there are alot of ways that we are told in general how to approach diversity. We are supposed to celebrate it, and tolerate it and all these things we are supposed to do.

It is really important I guess...I was surprised at a parent conference to hear a colleague getting herself chewed a new one by a couple parents objecting to the word diversity, because it meant homosexuality (according to them) and so their kids were being taught to accept homosexuals.

Glad I wasn't on the receiving end for that one.

Learned from a colleague later that the town had passed some sort of legislation that made it illegal to be homosexual or some such thing. The state overturned it, but it still stands: the people in the town where I teach, they are anti-homosexual.

The new word I heard as pertaining to diversity was humility. I almost fell off my chair. Before, the highest anyone has reached has been "tolerance" which always left a sort of unpleasant taste in my mouth. It isn't exactly loving. I mean, I do more for my friends and neighbors than tolerate them. I hope anyway.

So this new word is exciting to me. It encompasses a more appropriate approach to our diverse communities. To me it says "How about, rather than merely tolerating people of diverse beliefs, backgrounds etc., we come to admit that it isn't really important what we think about them? How about we just be as we are supposed to be, which is loving our neighbor?"

Getting down to brass tacks, is our opinion really important? Could it be, especially as a follower of Christ, that we submit to something higher, like humility and that our response be closer to humility reflecting the biblical call that we are not to judge? We are however, called to be loving.

How does this look? Well it probably looks like what a lot of people already do, in that, we just go along, get along. What other people do in their lives is not our domain for judgment. It doesn't matter what we think of what they do. All we are called to do is to Love our neighbor as we love ourselves. That is it. And that means that this is how we feel in our hearts as well...it isn't an act. Because everyone can tell if one is just trying very hard to do what one is told, but that isn't really how one feels.

I am sure I am hopelessly flawed, as I usually am when I feel like I have found something right. Feel free to gently enlighten me, or agree with me?

Reading: The Simple Path

At night after a day of working with middle school kids, parenting, wifing the thing I seek most of all is to hit the reset button.

I need to clear my mind, and go back to what matters.

So I read.

There are all varieties of books that I am reading at once. A book in Spanish so I don't forget the language I paid 40,000 to learn how to speak, books about God that make me think about what I believe and lately I have stumbled on to some real gems.

A Simple Path is Mother Teresa talking about what she does. And how she does it. Her words warm my soul and fertilize a desire that has long been growing in my heart. But when she talks about what she does, I can't see a way to not be inspired, amazed. And my lasting feeling is "This is truly the best thing a person can do with their life." And I have one life, and so I go toward living it well, meaning usefully.

I cannot recommend her words highly enough. She talks about getting to prayer, joy, the work of her missions all around the world, how they came to be. Logistics and spiritual matters. I am so refreshed by her, I can go to sleep meditating on her words, and feel cleaned off from the day.

I plow through her books. I eat them up and then when I am sad they are over I linger on them a couple more days.


It is like hitting the reset button.

Christ and public schools

Last school year, the school I worked at didn't blink when I asked if it would be any problem if I opened my classroom to a student led bible study for language learners. The girls were Russian speakers and from a very religious background, and the bible study they were amazingly devoted to.

These girls came every single day.

While they were there praying, singing and reading the bible, sometimes it just felt so wrong for me to be gnoshing on my PB&J, that I would lower my head and pray with them. I learned their Russian songs.

The experience was a huge blessing for me, even though I was never ready for the class after lunch.

At one point, we tried to become an official club, mostly for me because I wanted to not feel like we were sneaking around. The only issue came in that there were already something like 3 or 4 other student activities revolving around bible study, and the principal asked me if there was to be a bible study for every language represented in the school.

The caveat was that these girls were happily welcomed every and any person who came through the doors at lunch. They advertised via small business cards that they gave out to people who seemed interested. We had kids from Micronesia and all over the NIS, plus a couple girls who were Muslim. They even stood in prayer with us. To me and to the girls as well, any other way would have just been not at all right.

When I told the principal this, he was was surprised. He was a principal and very hard to read, but he never at any point seemed to have any issue about these girls meeting.

We never made official club status, but we tried and it didn't really matter, the principal knew well that we were there, and he was welcomed.

When I told other people about this they were flabbergasted that this was happening in a public school. But I have since learned that the right to gather peaceably in public is a constitutionally protected right, even for Christians. Christians can gather in school, pray, sing, and yes, read the bible.

Initially I wouldn't stand in prayer with the girls, I thought for sure I would be violating some civil rights thing I learned about.

But I had a change of heart. I decided that if someone was going to fire me for praying during my workday with students who wanted to meet to pray, so be it. I wasn't scared of that. I wouldn't regret my decision for a nanosecond. And it made my day every time those girls came to my room. I felt really happy, like I finally was prioritizing correctly.

I miss that part about that school. The choral groups would roam the halls and sing overtly Christian Christmas songs during the holidays. It felt honest, and it was a beautiful noise.

I have traveled, and while I don't belong to other religions, the bells they ring, their calls to prayer are beautiful to me. They do not offend me. I suppose if they honked their car horns every 5 seconds to show allegiance to their God, then I might get a little annoyed. I can handle the fact that other people do other things to celebrate other holidays that I don't necessarily celebrate and that all this is institutionalized...the banks close on their holidays. I can deal with that.

The idea of making no law that should respect a religion is translated very kooky here in the US. It is a very very good idea to separate church and state. But sometimes it gets very sticky.

The rights of student clubs in public high schools are protected by the First
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and the Equal Access Act (“the Act”), passed by Congress
in 1984.1 The basic purpose of the Act is to put religious clubs on equal footing with all other
student clubs by allowing them the same privileges and access to school facilities that other
recognized student clubs enjoy.2 Once the school recognizes a single non-curriculum related
club, it is said to have created a “limited open forum,” triggering the Act and entitling all other
qualified student clubs to the same access and benefits of school facilities as that
first club.

Off

Adjusting to work schedule doesn't allow alot of time for much. Like sitting and just not doing anything for a little bit, which is for me the perpetual favorite thing on my list of things to do.

In my spare time, I plan for school, work offers on our house and clean it to show it, consider and prepare supper, pay bills, plan some more, care for my daughter, look for places to live and of course, chores and obligations.

Am reading Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew, a worthy read.

I try not to miss being home more, watching my baby girl grow slowly into a little lady who says new words like "disgusting" and "miserable" and "Oh my goodness" which cracks a smile. Keeping perspective on how fast this school year will go.

Am keeping ye olde head above water and keeping positive, which somehow, comes very easy to me.

Jeremiah

School starting is the biggest punctuation of the year. Even Christmas rolls along easily, bumping through December with lots of pleasantness, although we have blended family trials compared to September they are nothing.

September all private life grinds to a halt. All summer fun gets the hatchet. Work begins, schedules shift, needs for the family change at once.

I transition from part to full time. Now who does the chores? Makes and buys food? Takes care of business? Well J takes up a good chunk of the slack, but the contents of my life are shaken up like that Christmas snow scene in a chunk of glass.

Now I see my colleagues whose names I barely know, more than my daughter or husband.

We have already decided next year I will pursue part time most persistently. I like working, I like my job, but children are only young once. We agree that the place to be is home. But, the money will be nice for awhile.

This is how it starts...

Something that J pointed me toward...

Some stuff

Started listening to a really interesting podcast that talked about this community called the Arch. It is a home where developmentally disabled people live and about the volunteers that live with them and about how their lives are transformed by the experience. I was incredibly touched by this.

Actually, I have enjoyed everything I have listened to on Speaking of Faith from American Public Media. I recommend their podcasts.

In other news, Mother Teresa's posthumous book is out soon, and the Oregonian wrote this big Sunday Paper headline advertising "Mother Teresa's doubts about faith". My lands. The media, if it isn't a gaggle of brainless, spineless nimwits, I just don't know what. Gasp! Christians wrestle with implications of their faith!! WOW! Is this news? Is it news to make it sound like Mother Teresa was less Christian because she, as a spiritual superior, would really grapple with some hard issues?

Finally, watched a movie called The Pursuit of Happyness. Was so hard to watch, all the bad stuff that happened to this guy, played really well by Will Smith. The movie is making me think about some stuff. I guess I could recommend it. I think I would have been able to deal with it better if I knew the ending, though.

Liberation Theology

At first it sounds like some deeply entrenched, even institutionalized thing to me. But then I read some more and it sounds like something more like what I am going toward...the idea that my religion is useless if it doesn't get played out by giving oneself to the work of the Lord.

But I read more I see words like Marxism and socialism and revolution and Jesus as a revolutionary and I wonder if that is what I really want. It isn't.

I just wanted to bookmark this interest. Not to go there, but to figure out what it really is.

Flux

J is reading "God in the Dock" which is a collection of essays and other things from C.S. Lewis. It is spurring conversations, like the one we had the other night by our firepit. Our best conversations usually include at least a little CS.

I just finished that book (Beautiful Mess) by Rick McKinley. First, it made me think I need to read Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Second, it made me think that the time has come for us to look for a different place to worship. My heart has been so torn on this issue for so long, I felt like "Look, you just find a place and stay there, it doesn't really matter where it is, and then you go from there," I know that is right. But since our house is for sale and we are trying to move to another community, maybe it isn't so bad to acknowledge that pull in another direction. It isn't a new pull, it's been going on now for quite awhile. A slow transition, no fast moves...easing into something.

McKinley said in the last chapter that there were 2 different aspects in the protestant world, one that focused on personal salvation and ministry to those within the church primarily (he called this the conservative church) and a more liberal (gasp, did I just say that word?) church that focused on social action and salvation expressed through service. He said that the first one is very good at getting people saved and pulling them up into fellowship, and the other was better at the outreach and service, though perhaps not as good in some other areas.

This is a subject that I find really and truly bores most people I know to death. And there is a certain truth that one will never find this "perfect church" and so throw that idea out the window first off. Okay, that done, now what?

Well that's the flux of it, I suppose.

I recommend the book, though I wish he would address the fact that without community (which is a rare commodity), some of these wonderful ideas don't work. Church is a community, albeit a sort of artificial one. Some of my favorite people in this community live 35 minutes away. I can't share a lawnmower with them (read the book). When I mentioned some of these good ideas to J he said something along the lines of wanting very much to be involved with ministries that helped people and showed them the love of the Lord, but for each person to start one from the ground up? Well, I have to agree, it made us both scratch our heads.

Well, the book certainly promotes his church well, and it is a message that my heart loves. But I always want the "how" as well as the "what". I agree with his "what", now how...

This isn't really meant as a book critique, it's more just processing...

ha ha

Beautiful Mess

It's light, it's nice, it's like a nice glass of fresh cold water on a hot day.

I am reading "This Beautiful Mess" by pastor Rick McKinley of Imago Dei. Apparently he is also interested in this "Simple Way"/new monasticism (a very fancy name for something very old).

Ideas rotating around the tension of the existence of good and bad in the world, the kingdom of God, service and "being the light".

He talks about coming to the Lord as children, which I seldom hear from the pulpit, refreshing, truthful and very appreciated.

And, he endorses things that are really just happiness to my ears and heart, like getting the focus off consumerism at Christmas, and supporting environmental issues ...Restoring Eden is an organization by Richard Cizik who is also the vice president of the NAE (National Association of Evangelicals) and who promotes considering environmental conservation, despite some strong lack of support from the Dobson ministries of Focus on the Family.

Okay, and before I close, I have to include a really amazing find... A guy named Eugene Cho in Seattle runs a church called Quest. He was visited by an journalist/gay rights advocate to "rate" his church, and the following Pandora's box ensued. The really gritty stuff is in the comments section. Alot of pain out there from the GLBT community about the "welcome but not affirmed" position of the church. People don't like it when they are told "God doesn't love you". Imagine that. The thing I found most compelling is just how much there is out there on people's minds-hurt, anger (not so surprising) and this need for God.

6 AM on a Sunday morning.

Last night I got a terrible throbbing headache and a bunch of nauseas. I was really awful not very common I get anything. Was wondering what I ate.

So went to bed early, hoping just to make it all go away.

And so I woke at about 3 in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep but kept having wierd dreams that J and I lived in a hovel of an apartment with leaky pipes and newspaper spray painted to the walls and teenagers tipping 40's of 8ball outside my window. Yeesh. I sat on the couch and tried to think how I got back there. I say back, because I thought my days of living in dumps were over.

So I got close to the person next to me and looked up out that window at that cloudy sky early morning Sunday sky of August when everything was all silent. All that was there was a tall cedar from our backyard against the grey. Standing at his usual tall, maybe he too just waking up. Or maybe not.

This week, after our house being on the market for a very long time, dangling in a way, me to start a new job, us needing to move, the offer on our house fell through.

Everyone who comes through this house says how nice it is. It's hard not to say "So then buy it, &*%$!"

I didn't think much about this scenario, aside from being a little bummed, but then as I layed there and stared at this tree against the silent cloudy august early morning sunday sky in bed next to J, I started to feel that sense of how unbelievably fragile everyone's lives are. Maybe more so since I now have 2 people that I value so much, and I know that in truth, there is just so very very little we control or have influence over about our own lives. I felt pretty powerless to protect/help or otherwise do anything good for the only things that are valuable to me. And isn't that just life?

That whole notion of just how excruciatingly little we control in life, and how the stakes are so high for us...we have no other option but to let go or go mad trying trying trying.

We do not control who our parents are, where we are born, how much money we had as we grew up, how much money we have now (for the most part), our mental makeup, our heritage, our legacy, our children, our leaders, our planet, our birth or our death. Whether we drive across a bridge and it crashes down on us crushing our family (! ack! just kidding! sort of!) And there are a bunch of other things we don't control either, those are just the first I can think of.

We do control um, what job we have (sort of), what we wear (sort of, unless we are poor), how we speak, how we treat others, our choices of good or bad, our integrity, what spouse we choose (sort of in some places), our habits, how we spend our time, or whether we choose not to destroy our own life or another (and how we do it)...

When I look at these options, it seems to me that this is perfect design by God to show a person what is important, and what isn't as much...or maybe, what is important to Him.

Still the frailness of life combined with the quantity of love in a mom's heart is a reality cocktail, to be sure. I don't think God meant anyone to dwell on it too much. But it is there, in the background as we go along, wondering whether we are going to buy this or that, deluding ourself about how much control we really do have.

I have no really good way to end off here, but that it is going to be a beautiful day, and I will spend more time with the people I love and try to sell my house some more...