Elisha's Bones

Agree

2010-07-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

Donald Miller, a story teller who is a follower of Christ, wrote this:

Yesterday, at lunch, my friend David mentioned he’d spent some time in Colorado with the guys at Ransomed Heart. David used to work with them and went back to hang out with them for a weekend in the mountains. He mentioned that one of the guys reminded him that spirituality was not a context. I asked David what the guy meant, and Dave said what he meant was that you learn about God while learning to fly a plane or raising a child or planting crops in a field. It’s not a hard, fast rule to be sure, but the idea is that sitting around looking at your spiritual belly button isn’t going to provide an object lesson for your faith. The idea is that faith makes sense in the context of some other pursuit.

And that might be the reason I don’t migrate toward conversations specifically about faith.

I agree very much, as it seems like it is always through the experiences I am having that God uses to teach me a thing or two, or bring me to my knees. For example, raising kids, or being married. I am fairly certain I could do neither of these things on my own, and if I did, I know there would be enough mistakes that I would recognize only in retrospect, that doing what I thought was best at the time would eventually be my undoing.

If the past indicates the future, that is where I would stand.

Confessing

2010-05-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

While reading a book, I realized there was this thing that I had honestly been beating myself up for for years.

I thought about how it came up years after it occurred. The depth of the jerk that I had been. And searching my mind on ways, things I could do that would make me *feel* absolved of this. Merely confessing seemed completely inadequate to the damage I had done.

I considered restitution.

It wasn't a money sort of damage that I had done. And I suspected the people involved might be more annoyed that I even went back to that time and place than grateful for a heartfelt apology. We have all done what normal people do: move on.

When someone apologizes, it is sort of hard. It puts the recipient of the apology back into the unpleasant memory of having a wrong done to them, and then having to say "that's alright" or be a jerk.

Plus, when we are talking old relationships, trotting out this garbage seems really backwards-moving.

What can be done for the person who has done the wrong to put it behind them?

I apologize every time I remember that situation. I don't bury it or hide it. I have learned that I have to be nice to people because, due to some mental or genetic defect, I never let myself forget when I have been a jerk to good kind people who have cared for me.

I have to believe that God has let me off the hook for this a long time ago. Since I can't go back, I have to move forward and avoid making this mistake again, and continue confessing until it is etched over the memory of me being a jerk.

Steward or pilgrim?

2010-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

Which direction does the bible point to with regards to money? Am I to give it all away and follow Christ, as it says in the New Testament or am I to be wise and save for my grandkids, like it says in Proverbs?

I found myself needing some words of wisdom, and not merely opinions. As a parent of young children, how the question is answered is relevant for more than just myself.

Some well-known writers have also put forth the urgency of the call of a Christian to follow Christ. Living like a pilgrim before I had kids was all for me, but now I wondered if it was the right choice with their well-being to consider.

My husband and I consider carefully the way we divide our resources; setting examples, making moral choices and being obedient are all priorities. So which path is correct? New Testament living by faith or Proverbs wise stewardship?

Who can answer that question of each of us?

The Lord has blessed our family in a way that feels lavish to us. We are grateful for opportunities to give back to our community. But is it sufficient?

For the time, I will be intentional and wise with what the Lord has provided. I will do everything I can to imbue my kids with a sense of the importance of service. I trust the Lord will bless this, as we try to steward wisely the overflowing bounty that he has given our family.

How do you answer this question in your own life?

Lent

2010-04-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

This year for Lent I wonder if I gave up sleep, control, perseverance or hope. I can't figure out which cos it seems like at times I gave them all up.

Easter is coming though...

What I said

2010-03-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

I spoke at a women's retreat this weekend, and this is what I said ...

Faithwalk March 13, 2010

Learning about God through raising my own daughters and teaching her about God

1. Prayer

2. Introduction

Relatively speaking, I am new to the Friends church. Before arriving here in Newberg, my faith persevered often times in spite of the church rather than being encouraged from it. I understand those who would be disenchanted by the church, but still having been on the inside of it and the outside of it, I know that outside of Christ there really is absolutely nothing Good, and that comes from life experience. I have given thanks daily and weekly for the Lord’s leading us to Newberg Friends. Here I have found people who I respect, people from whom I might learn a thing or two, and a community where it seems that the aspects of my faith I cherish the most are of high value. I am incredibly grateful for finding this fellowship.

3. Some history, and topic

When thinking about what I was supposed to talk about, I found I had absolutely no desire to talk about what led me to Christ, It feels wrong to go through all the twists and turns that finally brought me to a point where I became Christian… The only really important thing to say might be I rejected Christianity because I didn’t like the culture of the church, and I came to the Lord because I wanted something so much better than what I could find in the world, and truly that is what I have found since turning to Christ when I was 21. From the folly of youth and the day the Lord lifted me out of my own mess, I can see a ribbon of his presence winding its way through my life, introducing and reintroducing himself.

I used to think I would have to turn off my brain to be a Christian, and it has been quite the opposite, that it has kindled an ongoing process of wrestling and reconciling and understanding. I love the story of Jacob wrestling with God, it speaks so much to life in faith, but while I feel like that characterizes my coming to Christ, that isn’t where I am going today,

More intriguing to me these days is the process I am starting of raising a child and what it is teaching me about God. How do I show my own children the face of Christ when I feel so ill-equipped? Sometimes I have wished I had a Christian upbringing, but seeing my husband work through reconciling his own Christian upbringing I am not so sure that’s where its at.

Here I would like to tell a little story about what our family looked like in the spiritual sense….

When I was growing up, I lived in a cul-de-sac with a couple other girls. They were from Christian families. Mine wasn't really that way so much.

Me and Karen and LaVonne played together alot. Karen went to an Assemblies of God church. Karen to this day is one of the sweetest people I can think of. She had a child like wisdom, good behavior and kindness that seemed to be a inherent part of her character. I thought very highly of her. One day I was over at her house for lunch. Before we could eat, she put her hands together, bowed her head and then in a little bit she stopped and ate her tuna salad on white bread.. I watched this. I had no idea what she just did, but I thought this was good, like she was. I asked her what she did, and through a mouth full of tuna salad sammich, she told me she prayed.

When I went home that night for supper, as we gathered around the table I announced "We should pray!" My parents looked at me.
.
"Ok then, pray." I stalled. I had never prayed before I realized at this point, and had no idea what praying really...I just had no idea.
The tension mounted for me, because as I was the youngest, the idea that anyone would pay attention to my suggestion was altogether unusual.
"Ok, well you have to stand up,"
"Why?"
"Because that's how you pray." The family stood up. At this point I am feeling really in trouble because here the same people who usually interrupt me and talk over me at the dinner table are doing what I am telling them to, and I have no clue what I am doing.

"You have to put your hand on your heart"
"What? You do not," said John, my brother.
"Just pray already, I'm hungry," says someone else. So I piously put my hand over my heart and said

"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America..."

I have struggled with a sense of not really being equipped to raise a child to love Christ.
I hope to raise a daughter who perhaps doesn’t have to detour through so many painful choices before she comes to realize the value of the presence of the lord in her life. I don’t feel like I am without resources and some ideas of what is right and good, and that’s what I am going to talk about.

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

I do really feel like when I seek I find he DOES GENTLY lead those that have young. He gently leads me sometimes. And so I try to gently lead Addy. It is important to me that her learning be organic, without stress… gentle. This makes my time with her sometimes more like a rest from everything else—for that moment, the most important thing is that puzzle, or the fort, or the new art supplies. At times it seems that parenting is just a collection of moments, and making the best of each one as we are able to.

4. Resources for the job at hand

• I have found resources along the way that have encouraged me, reassured me, informed me, made me curious, and guided me and more than once I feel like the Lord has done the work for me when it comes to having the right heart about things happening, relating with my daughters

The best so far has been the community of moms I have found in Newberg and specifically at Newberg Friends. I really can’t say enough about how grateful I am that the Lord put us here. I appreciate the words of friends who tell me it’s okay for the kids to have nothing to do for awhile. I appreciate the simplicity of bumping into friends or strangers at a park. I am grateful for prayer groups, play groups with moms who I admire and respect and who have walked my path before. I am so grateful for this community which values the things that I value and around whom I am glad my kids will grow up. I am most specifically grateful for friendships with women who do not complain, but look for ways to cope with circumstances, women who set good examples as believers, women who listen and do not judge. I am constantly encouraged by the friendships the Lord is leading me to.

I have reassurance that the relationship that I have with my daughters offers me insight to the relationship and love the Lord has for me. How could I know the deep soulful love that I have for my girls if the Lord didn’t first have that love for his children? The quantity of joy I take in her has to come from somewhere, and I believe it comes from God, who delights in me as well.

1 John 3:16
By this we know love, because Jesus Christ laid down his life for us…

I know that I am not alone in this path with my girls. He is gently leading me as Isaiah 40:11 says

• Another resource I feel like I am learning a little more about is prayer. The sermon series about prayer resonated with me-Jeff and I talked a lot about it-and I started reading last summer. I read The Way of a Pilgrim by an unattributed author, but coming from the Russian orthodox church and also Prayer by Philip Yancey. The books have changed my prayer life entirely. My own prayer life had its shortcomings and I suspected that there was more to prayer than what I really knew about, because it never seemed as powerful as what people said. My readings lead me to see that prayer was something that might result only in changing my own heart about a circumstance, but so far that has been significant….

Now, when the virtues went around I am pretty sure I got shortchanged on patience.
Some of the suggestions about prayer mentioned in the book have really, really helped me to keep what is most important to me right in front of my face: to be a patient and loving mom at times when I wasn’t sure there wasn’t any more patient left. Daily with my girls, I cannot without regularly praying for mercy, patience, gentleness, self control and the measure of love that is required to be a good parent.

• Prayer has changed my decision making. It has clarified what the purpose of this time of my life is, raising children and looking for things that will make me a better mom. Sometimes that means learning from a gifted teacher of children, sometimes it means learning to play the piano, or other activities that do not require me to be a mom…. And when all else fails, sometimes being a good parent means a little time apart from the kid.

5. God gives me deeper understanding of himself through her

Being much time with a child really is a pouring out of ourselves. It can be really exhausting and also an amazing blessing. She verbally reminds me how God loves me, she blesses me with the singing of hymns we sing together. My heart grows when I see her loving God in her childlike way, and I am encouraged and grateful. In the difficult times the simplicity she represents which is a rest and respite from the complexity of messy problems.

Sometimes I wonder if God doesn’t give us children to teach us something very specific about our relationship with Him, but I am not sure what that is yet.

While I talk about this, I hope it doesn’t sound like “I have this all figured out!”, what I have learned through trials is that I can control pretty much almost nothing in my life, but I can control how I respond. And I am still trying to get on top of that one.

The thing that makes me really joyful is that I am so very much at the beginning of this process, and I am looking forward to what God will reveal. If this sounds overly optimistic, it also again reminds me of how very much my daughters and this whole process is in God’s hands, I cannot worry (though I will probably try)

. It might be important to add, that while I feel like I am learning a lot, it’s because I have a lot to learn…

• Teaching her about showing Christ’s love to those around her, getting her past her own selfishness, and getting me past my own selfishness as well

• Authentically demonstrating my faith, mostly this is through the way I live, the choices we make as a family, priorities

• Choosing the responses what will resonate in her heart

• Showing her how, and what to pray for, and why.

• Nurturing her spiritual growth… what will this look like? I am infinitely grateful for moms around me who if they don’t have all the answers, they encourage me so much.

• Equipping her to go far in life, not hobbling her with hangups (is this even possible?)

In conclusion, the choices, paths or turns my daughters life takes are things that are in God’s hands. The only thing that I can really control on is my response to things that happen, so I pray the Lord will be there teaching me at those times too. Despite what I might lack in informing me how to raise my kids, I am constantly encouraged as the Lord seems to give me what I need, when I need it—how to pray, a community that seems tailor made for where we are in life, encouragement, friendships.

Read Psalm 25: 4-10

Belonging in a Quaker Community

2010-01-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

(This is a part of my “Top Ten things that drive me crazy about Quakers” list. from "Gregg's Gambles")

4. Why aren't U.S. Quakers exploding in growth?

Our combination of inward, deep spirituality with outward, passionate social activism is one that a postmodern world is crying out for. It drives me crazy that we aren't catching on like a contagion. Why aren't we exploding like an epidemic?

About 2 years ago, we moved and started going to this church with an amazing history reaching deep into Oregon's rather measly little past (Sorry, but when you have celebrated the 800th anniversary of a town, 100 years is like the fly on the ass of a cow as seen by a person in a car going by at 55 mph).

It was like a drink of cold refreshing water when we arrived in this town to open up this church and see what was inside.

What was inside?

A place where people valued community.
A place where people hung around with each other.
A place where people scratched their chin about their own faith, read books talked and wrote about the bible.
A place where people cared deeply about social justice issues, and how that translates into their daily lives.
A place where people did not value material garbage.
A place where there were people who spoke to you, invited you to their home and included you in the community (gasp! I didn't think people did that anymore!)
A place where people showed their understanding of their own redemption by Christ in the way they lived their lives, humbly, with love. And with a sense of humor.

I really did not think such a place existed in America. All I saw when I looked at the church were frozen chosen, very emotional charismatic worship, Joel Osteen or other figures that made me feel like I could find no common ground, and what was wrong with me? I chastised myself for being too critical, and I gave up.

So can this begin to express my relief? My joy? My sense of blessing at having found a place that if I didn't belong entirely, at least I belonged enough to want to be there, show up and be a part of what the Lord had planned. I felt blessed.

But honeymoons end. I still am grateful to have found "Friends", I am as close as I can ever be to professing a denomination, but I really do miss the cup and I will baptize my girls if they ask. (Quakers don't officially do this).

However, these Quakers, they really don't party nearly enough. Someone should tell the pastor! (tongue firmly in cheek)

Christmas Present

2009-12-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

A “Yes” Beyond Emotions

By Henri Nouwen

Everything was there to make it a splendid Christmas. But I wasn’t really there. I felt like a sympathetic observer. I couldn’t force myself to feel differently. It just seemed that I wasn’t part of it. At times I even caught myself looking at it all like an unbeliever who wonders what everybody is so busy and excited about. Spiritually, this is a dangerous attitude. It creates a certain sarcasm, cynicism, and depression. But I didn’t want or choose it. I just found myself in a mental state that I could not move out of by my own force.

Still, in the midst of it all I saw - even though I did not feel - that this day may prove to be a grace after all. Somehow I realize that songs, music, good feelings, beautiful liturgies, nice presents, big dinners, and many sweet words do not make Christmas. Christmas is saying “yes” to something beyond all emotions and feelings. Christmas is saying “yes” to a hope based on God’s initiative, which has nothing to do with what I think or feel. Christmas is believing that the salvation of the world is God’s work and not mine. Things will never look just right or feel just right. If they did, someone would be lying. The world is not whole, and today I experience this fact in my own unhappiness. But it is into this broken world that a child is born who is called Son of the Most High, Prince of Peace, Savior.

I look at him and pray, “Thank you, Lord, that you came, independent of my feelings and thoughts. Your heart is greater than mine.” Maybe a “dry” Christmas, a Christmas without much to feel or think, will bring me closer to the true mystery of God-with-us. What it asks is pure, naked faith. (Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak)

and to this add...

~ Because God loved us all soooo much, He was attentive to our need and our pain, and sent His only child to help us ~ so that whoever believes in Him will not live and die in hopelessness, but have life eternal and everlasting. (John 3:16) Read it again, for the first time.

Let's go full speed ahead in the wrong direction.

2009-12-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

Once again, I agree with Rick McKinley who says...

"Christians get all bent out of shape over the fact that someone didn't say 'Merry Christmas' when I walked into the store. But why are we expecting the store to tell our story? That's just ridiculous."

Taken from this article about Advent Conspiracy.

I got an email with a website that ranked a store showing how "Christmas-friendly" it was, and encouraging Christians to not shop at stores that weren't "Christmas friendly".

Huh? I can think of a million gazillion other ways to spend our energies as Christians.

I just googled it and apparently this is a Foxnews Bill O Reilly thing.

my favorite evangelist

2009-12-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

Shane Claiborne

http://www.esquire.com/features/best-and-brightest-2009/shane-claiborne-1209#ixzz0Yk4R9iNK

Being the change...?

2009-11-14T22:25:00.001-08:00

When I started this blog, I felt this huge burning desire to DO something bigger and more significant with myself. Kept reading these authors who urged the reader to take seriously the role of a Christian to follow Christ... seriously! Books about pilgrims and cheap grace and "the Simple way" all this made me want to realize this.

Its hard not to make fun of this intention, because I am so trained, but there it was.

But before I even started drawing up grand plans, I knew that there were people here, in my house, waking up with me in the morning that needed me more than any orphanage thousands of miles away. And there are even people with whom I don't wake up that for them, the fact we are here is good. I am referring to the daughter of my husband.

But this has led me in this thought circle. I want to serve>overseas>i can do it>but what about ....>okay i will do it soon>I want to serve>overseas...etc.

I walk in this circle mentally wearing ruts in the green shag basement carpet of my mind.

Doesn't it sound tiresome?

Another woman commented to me that I "have so many plans"... I do.

The one thing that has been a thorn in my side for, gee, I don't know, forever, is confidence.

I do not understand this elusive creature. How can someone be so equipped and still have faltering confidence in self even occur to them? I tell you, I have no time for this!

I think any person who as aspired to more in there own lives has run up against those who have told them "they can't do it" or, if they can, it will be as a demonstration in failure, or why bother.

Am rather perpetually in awe that a person would tell another person such a thing, but that circuitously leads into another topic. I mentally note to never ever ever ever ever impart anything but encouragement to my children so they would be equipped should they meet these people.

So when, if I ask, "Being the change...?" it may be a little of a challenge, because sometimes my knees might shake despite my own commitment, i may not jump forward as quickly as I ought, I might not have the resolve in my own voice that should be worn in by now after some of the messes I have weathered.

Bill Maher and Religulous

2009-10-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last night we watched a documentary called Religulous by Bill Maher. I think I have seen this guy before, but didn't really know what his shtick is. I guess I was hoping someone would mount a real argument against the tenets of faith and see if they could knock them down. I left before it ended.

I was disappointed. Maher himself is more interested in listening to himself feel superior. He interviewed all variety of goofballs and then actually Frances Collins, who is the originator of the Human Genome Project, but edited the interview so ferociously that it basically was just Maher talking. Then on to the goofballs and a bunch of clips of snake oil salespeople (who have existed for all of eternity, but now we can see over and over thanks to TV), disgraced televangelists and movie shorts.

But in no way can I improve on what Frank Shaeffer wrote about Religulous and Bill Maher. Found here, and worth a read because it is also funny.

Here's some Schaeffer asserting the well known tenet that Maher's form of Atheism is not only akin, but ostensibly equal to fundametalist thinking.

The New Atheists' books provided a context for Bill Maher's movie Religulous, the most blunt instrument imaginable. Maher's documentary expands what Harris started in his book The End of Faith. Harris begins his book with a scene of a young Islamic terrorist in Jerusalem smiling as he commits suicide while blowing up a bus full of innocent people. In Religulous, Maher gleefully includes many more images of look-how-crazy-God-makes-everyone, religion-inspired violence. The Harris/Maher message is as clear: the world would be better off without religion.

There is another message in the Maher/New Atheist oeuvre: everyone must think in categories stripped of allegory. Forget the idea that perhaps one may hold two contradictory ideas at the same time, say that none of the stories in the Bible happened as written, but that they are true in more subtle ways than mere historicity, or that we're nothing but jumped up chimps, but are also connecting to a deeper reality when we say, "the Lord is my shepherd" and hope that he is.

The New Atheists don't seem to "get" grown up allegory any more than the fundamentalists of the Religious Right do, let alone literary imagination. And both the Religious right and the New Atheists also seems oblivious to serious religious thinkers from Confucius to the Sufi poets, from Reinhold Niebur to one of Reinhold Niebuhr's biggest fans; President elect Obama.

Maher's world contains no Pastor Deitrick Bonhoffer (martyred for trying to assassinate Hitler, and who defined the intellectual and theological terms for resistance to state tyranny based on Christian ethics), or the intellectual man of letters and convert from atheism to the Roman Catholic Church, Malcolm Muggeridge, let alone an awareness of the prayers written by the "atheist" W.E.B. Du Bois for his students, a poignant demonstration that faith is not so easily abandoned.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/frank-schaeffer/president-obama-bad-news_b_141342.html

Surprised by life

2009-10-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

A poem I found from Pam Ferguson, who is what I hope to be when I grow up.

A link to her here.

(Confessions of middle age)

I have been surprised by life.

I never thought I would reach middle age
and in the blink of an eye I’m 55.
I still catch glimpses of myself as a 16 year old,
a 20 year old, or a 40 year old.
I see where I came from, where I have been,
people from my past and sometimes
I see my life through their eyes.

And I am surprised.

What an amazing amount of experiences I’ve had in my 55 years,
some good and some bad.

I’ve seen the pygmies dance.
I swam in the Indian Ocean.
I gathered seashells on Zanzibar Island.
I’ve been to the source of the Nile.
I’ve seen the whirling dervishes in Khartoum
and a riot in the middle of Kampala.

I walked where Paul and Silas broke free from prison and I stood at the Acropolis where Paul told the Greeks about “the God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and doesn’t live in temples built by hands”.

I’ve eaten grasshoppers and termites,
rattlesnakes and crocodile.
I’ve smelled the blossoms of a coffee orchard,
incense from sandalwood, frankincense and myrrh
....and open sewers, burning trash, rotting flesh,
drying fish and camel dung.

I’ve awakened to the Muslim call to prayer,
applauded communion with Catholics in Africa,
worshipped in opulence with Greek Orthodox,
and in silence with Quakers on three continents.

I’ve heard the explosions of land mines and
gunshots fired in celebration, in fear,
in anger and in rebellion.
An AK 47 was aimed at me as thieves stole our car
and I was held hostage in my home by an escaped prisoner.

In spite of the good and the bad and the many surprises of life,
I discovered an unexpected peace in middle age.

Of course there are regrets.

I never experienced the joy of childbirth.
I spent too much time in sin and selfishness.
I’ve ignored my creator too many times in too many ways.
And I know there is much in life that I have not experienced
nor that I have lived as fully as I was capable,
loved as much as I could or forgave as much as I know God intended.

I am surprised those regrets aren’t the focus of life now.

Middle age always brings questions of

“who am I?”
“What have I given my life to?”
and “for what (and my whom) will I be remembered?”

I’ve yet to discover many of the answers.
But I am surprised I no longer fear the questions.

I’ve confessed that I never thought I would reach middle age.
I think I’ve always thought I would die before I got this “old”.
Now I am catching glimpses of the rest of my life.

What a joy to realize I’ve learned
material possessions matter less than relationships;
obedience is more satisfying than success;
and the highest calling in life is
to make a difference in the world for Christ.

Middle age is a wake up call to use
the time I have left to love unconditionally,
give unselfishly, make right what I’ve wronged,
cherish what time I have with the man I love,
and to use every waking moment to live and walk with God
and to grow in my love for God with each passing day.

Middle age is a gift. I am surprised.

Missing the ritual a little

2009-08-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

Listening to a not overly exciting podcast from NPR's Speaking of Faith on a roadtrip, the speaker was talking on a subject that I am keenly interested in. The spiritual lives of children.

One thing she brought up was the role that ritual plays for kids. How it can help to organize in their minds important events, how it shows them the importance of these celebrations. They build strong memories around these times with their parents and family.

I can say it is very true in my own experience. I remember the Catholic church my mom took me to with great clarity, mostly because I had no idea what the significance of any rituals meant.

And for a second I lamented the lack of ritual that we currently implement. I wondered if it would just leave all this stuff and amorphous blob of God info in her young mind. Don't laugh.

I had the following conversation with her

Who is God?
He is the Father of Jesus the Christ.
Who is Jesus the Christ?
He loves us.
What is a Christ?
It means God loves me.

Her answers blessed me.

At that moment I realized something else entirely. Another conversation happened maybe.

How do I make ritual for my child?
You don't.
Will it be bad that she doesn't have it?
You aren't the one in charge here, so you need to quit worrying about this.

What my young daughter teaches me about God.

2009-08-18T00:31:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago a nice guy talked in front of the church. He talked about (let's see if I can reiterate a sermon from 3 weeks ago) how God limits himself for us because he loves us.

The image that he gave that I took away was the pictures that children draw that we put on our fridge. We put them up there not because they are Rembrandt's, but because we love the little people who made them.

I am trying to be brief, but the idea is that there is more to our relationship with God than being perfect in His eyes. Because we never will be. The important thing there is the love.

With my sweet daughter, we go through things. She learns new things at an astonishing rate. Sometimes good, sometimes less than good. Recently she has mostly overcome her fear of getting her face in the pool. For me, seeing her do that was HUGE, because I have never managed to become much of a swimmer and water still inspires a degree of anxiousness for me. For my husband, this is not a problem, he is an easy swimmer. He has conquered the water. We have made a BIG DEAL out of her dunking and her putting her face in the water.

And she has overcome some dawdling things she used to do, she can clean up her room, she works better in the kitchen with me, she can wash the windows (handy for when she has painted them with yogurt)...

But lately we struggle with kindness. Part of the problem is sleep. If she is the least bit tired, it is almost impossible for her to be nice. Visiting grandparents, family members presents a particular problem as there is little to no opportunity for naps. So my family, who seldom gets to see her, often gets the full brunt of her worst side.

It pains me. And her dad.

She makes faces, denies hugs, and has a whole array of ways to show herself to be short, snippy, bratty and generally unpleasant. It makes me want to keep her home.

But surely as she has learned many many other things by sheer perseverance, I am heartened that we will go along and soon she will hear me reiterate this enough that we will have a breakthrough.

And sometimes I feel like it is this way in my spiritual life. A weakness (oh, and there are enough, aren't there?) will show itself eventually, and it will just keep presenting itself. Over, and over, and over...

Until eventually it will slowly, slowly begin to sink in how to supplant a bad thing with a good thing, or at least, a neutral thing. S l o w l y.

And soon, a new habit will emerge.

But like my lovely little daughter, who learns so much faster, it takes time. Luckily, it seems to me that that is one thing that God has.

Hmm, interesting

2009-07-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

A christian satire online magazine? I remember reading this for the first time when I had just become a Christian and being relieved that Christians had am irreverent sense of humor.

The Wittenburg Door.

Shane and Dietrich.

2009-07-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

This is Shane Claiborne. And more about this fellow.

This is Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

So when was it that I was reading some Shane Claiborne? I just remember that for about a 3 week period it seemed like he was everywhere, on Speaking of Faith, at George Fox, and in my hands as I read the Irresistible Revolution. Bumping in to people who were reading it... and some part of me heard that monastic call.

And another part of me said, "but wait, I have 2 kids and a husband and well, I can sacrifice myself, but kids need a mom,"

And so I stored it in a place in my brain that makes notes of things, things like the call of a Christian is to truly sacrifice what you have and follow Christ. I apologize for not quoting scripture on this one, but it wouldn't be hard to do. The call doesn't say accumulate wealth for retirement, live in a nice house and take your kids to swimming lessons. So there is this fundamental question. How does this all look for the likes of me? Am I like the guy who asks Jesus who his neighbor is in order to try to get out of the "Love your neighbor" command? So turning this over in my head.

Shane points out the parable of the rich man who all but boasts that he has kept all the commandments and now what more should he do.

Jesus tells him to sell all he owns and follow him. Rich man leaves crestfallen. He asked and the answer came. He has only 2 choices now. Obedience, or not.

And this same passage is coming up in Bonhoeffer now, The Cost of Discipleship.

My faith doesn't call me to a life of comfort. And yet, and yet...

Why does this keep coming up? I am at once excited and mortified by the message. I am afraid of the sacrifice. The shakeup. I wonder if it isn't that I do all I can in my current position. I was so pleased this week when a mom I invited to VBS brought her daughter. She was a Latina from El Salvador. I was happy she came. It's so small, but is this it?

The Cost of Discipleship, J and I read some in the car as we drove a long distance. We discussed alot. It was really really wonderful. I appreciate so much when he shares in my inputs.

This is Reinhold Niebuhr.

It isn't an *easy book*. He has been reading Niebuhr and said that was pretty dense and the 2 were on par. It is packed full. One could likely read it several times. It is the kind of book for which I long for a book club.

I am still reading the Madeleine L'Engle, but she is like a sweet easy fluffy candy by contrast.

Talking about the book is easier than talking about the message it contains, which so far is about as subtle as a brick up side my head.

And while I stumbled around to pretty up this post, I found this guys blog which looked moderately interesting.

Finishing the Shack and starting Madeleine L'Engle

2009-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Last year at some point I put down the Shack.

It was too much for me. I am wary of popular Christian lit to begin with because it always seems to have the subtlety of a freight train. Anyway, a reliable source told me that I really should finish it. It has taken almost a year, but I did it.

And it was worth it. It was one of those books, however, that if you tell about it, it instantly sounds corny, far fetched, spacy or other slightly undesireable qualities. So I will leave it at "it turned out to be worth it" It was a good book to read before going to bed, it said things that seem like they needed to be said about God.

J and I have been going back and forth about the meanings of the words "doubt" and "wrestling". I say wrestle, he says doubt. When he says doubt to me, initially its no biggie, but when he doubts so much I start to narrow my eyes a little and wonder what's up. So we have the conversation again, about doubt vs. wrestling. And then I go pray for him. Haha, just kidding. But not really.

So as I was leaving the library with my old looking copy of Brothers Karamazov, a book I should have read a Looooooong time ago, I say "Circle of Silence by Madeleine L' Engle. And it pulled me in. And so far, I am so pleased. I was turned on to this author by the same person who recommended The Shack.

I will write about what she says next time when I am a little further along, but it is nice to be reading a female voice again. It is always nice to share a perspective with the author.

The Way of a Pilgrim

2009-05-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

Every now and then a book changes something about the reader. This is one of those books. I enjoyed Way of a Pilgrim, will likely buy it, might read it again, but have really liked the subject it discusses, which is prayer.

The book talks about the ecstatic experience from certain prayer rituals. I don't know anything about that. It is kind of hard to imagine for me, but am content to say "Well it's out there for some..." and I think it is interesting. I am not there, to that experience.

Before any of you start to tune out about "ecstatic prayer" thinking it's one of those kinds of books I might first mention that he indicates that the prayer he is saying is a simple "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me". That's it.

But the husband and I were talking about how even though we might not express worship that way, it is rather magnificent and beautiful to know that there is so much that we don't know about our God, and the mystical and poetic ways that he can be known. For me, it make me smile and be grateful that there was so much more to God that I had only seen this little drop.

And it introduces a technique of prayer that is so simple and accessible that it has been a nice addition.

I learned that the Philokalia, the book it refers to alot as a wise book in helping to understand the bible, is actually a real book that can be purchased.

And anecdotally, the book is also the book that is referred to in J.D. Salinger's book Franny and Zooey. I was a big Salinger fan in my youth.

Way of a Pilgrim has its roots in Orthodox Russian church. It has been my first glimpse inside that church really. Having visited really alot of orthodox churches, I knew that there were cultural and language barriers, but it really felt altogether like a different religion.

After reading Way of a Pilgrim, I think maybe not so much a different religion. It is hard to gain access though to the heart of a faith, when language and culture stand as barriers, and there is no one there to help bridge the divide.

I am reminded of a young woman I lived with in Vladimir. She and I were talking about missionaries and said she didn't understand why they came to Russia. After all, she said, they have their own church. She had a very good point.

But after living there, and now hearing about how it is there even now, I know that the orthodox church, well, people don't go really, except perhaps in rural areas.

Still it is there, and perhaps things will change in Russia...

But as for the book, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the narrators devotion and pilgrimage. It has its own place but it is a book I would recommend as a sort of devotion.

This 'n that

2009-05-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

Jeff sent me this article that he found on his meanderings at lunch.

It basically is a sort of addition to the attacks between atheists and Christians. I guess I am reluctant in posting because it does nothing to de-escalate the issues really. It might inflame them some, but it does quote some stuff that atheists have said generalizing Christians categorically negatively, at the same time crying "victim".

By and large it seems to me that the right response to atheist rhetoric is general apathy, and this article just really confirms to me that most of this stuff is little more than kids on the playground, name-calling.

But here is something more positive. Shane Claiborne wrote a piece for the Washington Post about the National Day of Prayer. In true Shane fashion, it makes me feel glad to get a drink of the water of his writing. Here is a tidbit.

So, rather than argue that National Day of Prayer is something that should go away with Jerry Falwell and the Christian Coalition, we say keep it. Let's call Christians (and everyone else) to prayer. But let's also challenge ourselves to become the answer to our prayers. When we pray for the hungry, let's remember to feed them. When we pray for the unborn, let's welcome single mothers and adopt abandoned children. When we give thanks for creation, let's plant a garden and buy local. When we remember the poor, let's re-invest our money in micro-lending programs. When we pray for peace, let's beat our swords into plowshares and turn military budgets into programs of social uplift. When we pray for an end to crime, let's visit those in prison. When we pray for lost souls, let's be gracious to the souls who have done us wrong.

Any ideas?

2009-04-28T23:51:00.001-07:00

Okay the GK Chesterton book I got from the library about St. Francis is really hard for me to navigate.

I have heard that this writer is a heavy hitter, but his style of writing is incredibly thick. Like fog.

I am a little baffled how he can take St. Francis and make him so, so...

thick?

opaque?

What's the word here?

So I think I am moving on to another book about Assisi.

And I need a suggestion. I might actually try to read something about Thomas Aquinas, but I don't know where to start. If you know a good place, tell me. I have heard the Penguin Classics route can sometimes not give all that good a snapshot...?

I need to begin reading, I am in a desert here, looking for some water.

Crickets & Lent

2009-04-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

Well it would seem that Lent started and I left the building.

I go for long times where I ponder whether blogging is a waste of time. But then I need to sort of process out loud again, and I want to keep the results so the blog goes into service again.

This Lent, as we head up on the 6th week, has been such a blessing. Because I am taking care of my daughter, breastfeeding, I didn't really feel like fasting of food was the right thing to do for Lent. | thought about the computer, but I am just not sure how that would look. I use it for so much, communication with family, recipes, banking and just a gazillion other things that I just couldn't see how it would happen.

So for Lent the Lord has been leading me with a service focus. It has been an amazing blessing. First it makes me do things that I have been thinking I needed to do for a very long time with regard to people in my life or around me, and now they are getting done. It has been wonderful in so many ways. Ask me when you see me.

I have been convicted in a couple areas. Mentally I ruminate on how to extricate myself from these bad cultivated habits. One has to do with parents, another with confidence. I have made a loving change with my daughter.

And I have had something come to light that I needed to eliminate. It has been a busy 6 weeks.

Blessings abound, building friendships, an open door to start tutoring Spanish, a baby dedicated, a birthday and new teeth. Who could not be joyful in this time?

A wonderful guide to working through Lent

2009-02-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

Have been very blessed and look forward to pursuing this piece of work on how to mark Lent.

Lent typically hasn't been paid alot of attention in the protestant tradition, which mostly just means that it is hard to know what to do if one were to mark Lent. I can't hardly bring myself to say "celebrate" Lent, since it mirrors the time that Jesus spent in the desert fasting. But it is a substantially significant time for those who follow after Christ.

But without that knowledge of how to pass Lent, one hardly knows where to start.

This prayer guide is a superb start.

Lent, Repentance and Survival Mode

2009-02-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

A friend mentioned something about Lent and how to mark it in our lives.

Before even realizing that it was a Lenten tradition, I have lately been moved to repentance.

Most of the things going through my mind are from the past. Largely because this has been a season of the past being tromped up just randomly, over and over again. And so the naturally reflective ruminates and inevitably wonders "What was I thinking?" "Who was that person?"

Tonight I realized. It was because I was largely on survival mode for many years. That survival mode was marked with alot of fear, mainly just about one thing: Rent.

edit: Let me extrapolate. I was single until I was 31. When I say "rent" it is because my main goal was just to get a career under me, and that career was to be teaching overseas. However, God had other plans for me and teaching overseas was to be postponed until I wasn't racked with student debt. It was a stressful time, I put alot of pressure on myself and by extension, did so with others. Decisions I made, while not earth-ending, didn't always reflect the values I sought to cultivate.

And when did it end? Well I guess it ended with marriage. And then it really ended with the birth of a child, and of course fortuitous career circumstances.

So when I am done repenting, it will be time to give thanks. But for now, am grieving and praying the Lord will hurl these as far away as only he can, so they will never undermine a changed heart.

Manly Devotions, part 2

2009-02-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

At one point a while ago, I posted a poorly written piece with the same title. I say poorly written because it was hard to tell where I was going.

The post was alot of "Devotions are pointless and not very helpful" which meant "Isn't it just as good to do something else, instead?"

Well, I was misinterpreted, and rightfully so since I rushed through the post.

I think it was interpreted as "Spiritual disciplines are a waste of time," which I don't believe, and hope no one would...

At worst, I sometimes feel like devotionals are part of a way to make money. I get my podcasts for free.

To further complicate the message, I was relaying a message from someone else, not from myself.

I should have said something along the lines of "Devotion books that focus on predigested pieces of "spiritual thoughts" one a day are not very helpful for some people. Other ways of exercising spiritual disciplines are more helpful."

Secondary questions were "Do I have to do it every day at the same time? Do I have to do it in the morning? What if my schedule changes, can I change the time?"

The message I was hearing from the friend was along the lines of: "What if I keep reading these "devotions books" and they just make me feel like "this is something I must do", but I get alot more edification, satisfaction and am more motivated from those other media? Why are those "devotions books" so feminine, or they talk to me about generalities of which I have no interest?"

I wasn't really talking about myself, but I could sympathize with from whom it came.

Not long ago an old teacher of mine said this in his blog.

This morning as I sat, before the family or even the sun rose, with my Bible, my prayer journal, a good book to stretch me, I realized- part of my calm right now is simply a result of having cultivated through the discipline of meeting with God on a daily basis, a trust in Him that actually makes in difference when it comes to dealing with the crap life throws at you.

And I had a eureka moment. I almost jumped up, looking for who I could tell this *new* old important morsel to.

I guess the parting thought here is no 1+1=2 with God. There is no prescription or 12 steps to God, at least not in the bible (correct me if I am wrong, gentle readers).

In a piece by Donald Miller he references Mercutio mocking Romeo for "Loving by Numbers" and talks about America's love for 3 steps to this, or 5 keys to that (though Mercutio was referring to the iambic pentameter that Romeo used to communicate to his beloved). Included in this is our relationship with the Lord. Donald Miller suggests, and I have to say that I agree, that there is no such thing in the bible guaranteeing "closeness with God" or "spirit-filled living" if one does this, that and the other thing. If anyone says so, they are selling something.

Where am I going with this?

Point is that no one has "the key" to how to pursue God, only suggestions of what has worked for others. Sometimes, for me anyway, what works is to just keep trying.

I found it profound that Mother Teresa spent her last twenty or more years desperately seeking the presence of God in her life. She simply suffered because she didn't "feel" Him near, as she had in the past. And there is so much talk about the "spirit filled life" (I get frustrated by this jargon) and yet...

Some might say that you can love God by numbers or by a formula, but something I learned from another teacher is that no one can referee between you and God. For example, I can't admonish my daughter effectively to read her bible daily, I can only live by example and pray. And therein lies the truth, that it all boils down to a relationship between the person and God, between which stands no person. Just as it was at the beginning and will be at the end.

More Shane

2009-02-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Shane;

So you came to the 'berg! Newberg, that is. Actually, as I write this, you are here (I think!?). And while I was going to the Y, I was listening to you on a podcast...it's starting to seem like you are all over the place, or maybe I am just looking for anything you have to say.

Shane, I am incredibly bummed that I wasn't able to see you here in Newberg. Your message has caught my interest because you are the first one to say things I have wondered about--it seemed like there was a strong message of community in Acts (I think this was the place). My husband and I talk about it, it is a challenging but welcome message. But Shane, it cost 40 bucks to go see you!

EDIT: Holy Cow, Shane Claiborne actually read my poorly written blog post (I am still editing it)! Regrets, I am hearing reports it was free, and he himself assured me that he wouldn't want a person to not attend based on cost and would absorb it his self. Good of him, and apologies, it was not my point to deliver bad press. I assumed the fee was coming from George Fox Univ. who paired him with another guy, also talented.

So your messages have been percolating in my head and my thoughts are all kind of around this idea of selling everything and then following the Lord. I have to admit, that passage I have always read with a "surely there is a contextual consideration there...". With a 4 month old and a 3 year old, doesn't charity begins at home? Am happy to take care of my little ones, aren't they a blessing from the father?

I ponder specifics, how do I live out this Simple Way from where I am?

The Simple Way website give suggestions, like tell your college administrator that he should earn only as much as the janitor and that I should pound a war machine into a plowshare. I can only take those comments as tongue in cheek. They are cute, funny, not particularly realistic. Sorry to be a party pooper.

I do keep hearing the quote though... "We can do no great things, only small things with great love," resounding through my head.

What are those small things? I have ideas, am not clueless, but I want to hear from you, too. I had one idea, it would be a challenge for me. Not insurmountable. Just challenging. Some might be surprised that something so small could be challenging. Some might think i was a bit extremist for trying. But I am going to try, Shane.

I thought to quit buying new stuff. Not a huge deal, but its a decision to make. Have always been perfectly ok with Goodwill, garage sales, consignment etc, but admit to those once or twice a year splurges on something nice.

I always feel kinda uncomfortable about all the garbage we get from China. The factories of questionable ethics. The clothes that come from countries that I know little to nothing about, and the stories of labor practices that are a bit less than humane.

I have been mulling on it, and thinking about how to make this work out, logistics. its exciting, but its so small, its easy to think what difference will that make?

Don't know, but it's so small, and it is doable. And if more people did it then we probably wouldn't need to worry about China's economy overtaking the world. I won't feel complicit in the lack of transparency of how factory workers overseas are treated. I won't feel crummy about being part of the consumer culture of America and right now, it makes sense.

All these reasons seem all very, very small. So I think that it will just be a start. We do feel the loss of community and miss it. We have a great community, I wonder if we can put that to work.

Anyway, Shane, we had some conversation about this passage:

The Rich Young Man

17As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

18"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 19You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'[a]"

20"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."

21Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

22At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

23Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"

24The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is[b] to enter the kingdom of God! 25It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

26The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, "Who then can be saved?"

27Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

J made the suggestion that we don't necessarily have to sell all our stuff in order to follow Christ, but that this rich young man was proud and his heart wasn't right with God, and that was what separated him from God. The parable before it tells of entering the kingdom like a child, and that is what this rich young man lacked. Christ saying that "all things are possible with God" simply underscores the fact that his works alone could never guarantee him a spot in heaven, but rather God's grace gets us there...

Anyway, just random thoughts Shane. Sorry I missed you, maybe you can ask that they don't charge so much so that the riff raff like J and I can go see you some other time when you are in Portland, your words are welcome here!

HB

Shane Claiborne: Irresistible Revolution

2009-02-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

Before I started to read this book I heard some refreshing stuff from this young man on Speaking of Faith. I have also heard of him in association with and talking about New Monastics and his movement within those who seek to live a life after Christ.

I was excited by what he said!

So I listened more about him when it was convenient.

Eventually after being on hold for his book from the library I got it. But I didn't read it right away because the lustre had already started to fade on what he was saying.

So is my experience so far reading his book.

I recommend the book. It is just such a wonderful breath of fresh air. It is like a window thrown open in a stuffy old church, and it is just, just really needed.

He does advocate a rather radical approach to showing Christ. And thank God for that! He says go feed the poor, help your neighbor, help out in your community and just do it. He doesn't say volunteer at church, although there is nothing wrong with that, but having spent a summer in Calcutta he is coming back preaching some real on the ground Mother Teresa stuff. Love it.

But his audience seems to be largely for um, college kids. For those of us with kids and a house, the idea of moving into a large house with a bunch of other families just seems really, really, well first of all unrealistic. Certainly there is a way to play out what he is talking about without actually "taking a war machine and beating it into a plow" like his website recommends.

And so my thoughts these days are focusing all around how to take this revolutionary and exciting and severe message and make it a reality in our family.

There are things that can be done. Many things. Cutting down on consumption by buying used. Making sure to be proactive in helping out in our communities. Educating our kids about service. Being in ministry in every little aspect of our lives, whether it is in traffic or at the store.

But Shane calls for a much more radical approach. And therein lies the tension. He advocates not giving money to charities but to find the poor and give to them where they are. I think I understand his point which is don't just throw money, but make charity a part of your life, not just a part of your bills. I understand and agree with that. I am still going to give money to local charities.

His book is easy to read, it is inspiring. I am not a 20 something year old college kid anymore, but I think that had I found this book when I was, my choices may have been different. That doesn't mean I regret anything, I have a deeply satisfying life. And now I guess I feel compelled to not just think that if I pay my tithe, I am done, but to figure out other ways I can positively live this out.

He calls it The Simple Way, but in the same way that we can't all move to Calcutta and serve in the Khaligat (The home for dying and destitute that Mother Teresa runs), it gets complicated. I couldn't figure out what to think when recently OPB went to a food bank and interviewed a recently unemployed guy as he was going home after getting food. They asked him about the very fancy truck he was getting into with his food bank food. He said he hoped he wouldn't have to sell it.

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

Furthermore, how does one live the Simple Way with very young children? I guess we wait until young Mr. Claiborne has kids (if he does have them) and he writes a book about that.

In the meantime, I am excited, he is coming to Newberg! Bauman Auditorium on February 7 at 10 am.

Silent Betrayal

2009-01-28T01:21:00.000-08:00

This is an excellent article from World Magazine about how we exhibit (or don't) exhibit our following Christ.

I enjoy Andree Seu's articles since my Mother in Law turned me on to them, and just recently gifted World magazine to my Sister in Law.

In this article, she points out how she doesn't really wear her faith on her sleeve. She likens this tendency to someone who might be exultant of their lover in private but almost secretive about the relationship in public. A good point.

I don't think she is alone in her tendency to keep her faith to herself. Unless your faith is something that is considered "hip" like Kabbalah, the religion of celebrities, or "deep" like Buddhism... then it is more ok to talk about it. There is more Western tolerance (at least on the West Coast) for Islam than if you are a Christ follower. It doesn't surprise me that there is a general "fatigue" about Christians. Christians with the biggest voices also do the faith the most damage often times. And the ones who are without blame are still in the crosshairs of a culture that views Christian tenets as parochial, quaint or hypocritical.

Anyway, it's worth a read.

Before I ever knew Him pt. 1

2009-01-24T00:51:00.000-08:00

I trot out every now and then to Jeff some stories of my first experiences with religion. We giggle. So I decided to commit them here so I could not forget about them.

When I was growing up, I lived in a cul-de-sac with a couple other girls. They were from Christian families. Mine wasn't really that way so much. Dad drank beer and worked around the yard smoking cigarettes with his shirt off, sweat socks pulled up and bandana around his forehead. We had a big yard and it had no landscaping when we moved in, and over the 15 years we lived there, dad installed basically a small forest in our back yard. It was pretty cool actually, but that was weekends for us alot of the time. My dad, at his heart, was and is a farm boy. A wildly successful farm boy, but that is another story.

Me and Karen and LaVonne played together alot. Karen went to an Assemblies of God church. Karen to this day is one of the sweetest people I can think of. She had a child like wisdom of good behavior and kindness that seemed to be a preternatural part of her character. I thought very highly of her. One day I was over at her house for lunch. Before we could eat, we had to pray. She put her hands together, bowed her head and then in a little bit she stopped and ate her pb and j. I watched this. I thought this was good, like she was.

When I went home that night for supper, as we gathered around the table I announced "We should pray!" My parents looked at me rather quizzically.
"Ok then, pray." I stalled. I had never prayed before I realized at this point, and had no idea what praying really...I just had no idea.
"Ok, well you have to stand up,"
"Why?"
"Because that's how you pray." The family stood up. At this point I am feeling really in trouble because here the same people who usually interrupt me and talk over me at the dinner table are doing what I am telling them to, and I have no clue what I am doing.

"You have to put your hand on your heart"
"What? You do not," says someone.
"Just pray already, I'm hungry," says someone else. So I piously put my hand over my heart and said

"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America..."

This was the only thing that I knew that was even remotely close to a prayer. My family laughed at me. But laughing at the dinner table was what we did, and so I laughed too.

My little town

2009-01-23T00:28:00.001-08:00

About a year and 3 months ago we uprooted from my home of Portland where I had lived for 16 years and moved to a smaller community snuggled against the large hills that flank the Willamette Valley. We did this because my husband had gotten a very good job that allows him to have very flexible hours with good pay and from Portland his commute was about 4 hours a day.

It was messing up our lives.

We looked around the small communities South of Portland. I was not really excited to leave Portland, but didn't focus on this, rather thought of how nice it would be to settle his commute down to a hour a day, rather than 4. We looked at McMinnville, Canby, LaFayette, Donald, Aurora and even, against my will, Salem (West Salem was nice).

Each seemed to have some fatal flaw.

In Newberg, the homes were not only affordable, but there was relatively an abundance of decent little homes. It had a little downtown. It had alot of desireable things like a private college, lots of parks, coffee shops etc. So we just did it.

And from very early on, I realized that our choice was very good indeed. Thanks be to God.

Driving around Newberg and the outlying areas you cannot go too many places without passing an orchard or a vineyard or at least being able to see them. The sprawl is under control. The people are laid back. There is a fine balance of ages here. While I haven't gone there yet, the rumors of the school system is that it is very good, imbues confidence in the parents.

I am happy my babes will grow up here. I look forward to making some friends, its been so quiet around us since we left PDX.

Christmas conundrum pt. 2

2009-01-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

Stuff we do to make Christmas our own particularly enjoyable holiday, rather than a stress-laden consumeristic extravaganza.

J and I were talking about how in other religions there are very specific prescribed rituals to observe on certain festival days. Since Christmas is holiday shared with alot of people who might not believe in the religious significance of the season, it seems like there aren't any "rituals" that must be adhered to. That's all good and fine, but sometimes a ritual lends some structure and can make a festival season easier, because you don't have to wonder what to do to celebrate.

The stuff that is done like putting up a tree and giving gifts are pleasant and done with joy, but they don't really strike any resonance with the actual birth of Christ.

So here are some things that either J's family or our family does to impart to our daughters the significance of Christmas.

The Advent calendar. J's mom gave us one that gives a blow by blow of the christmas story in little books that are then hung on the tree.

An Advent wreath that was given to us by my sister in law, we light the candles throughout the month to remember/remind that Christmas has more meaning than just a mess of new toys.

Reaching out to family and friends. We try to do this all year, but it seems like now more than any other time it is a good time to check in with those who we haven't been in touch with.

Remembering the stories that go along with each of the ornaments on the tree.

Going to the Grotto here in Portland.

A brunch on Christmas Eve morning.

Making special cookies/breads/cakes and certain meals only prepped at Christmas.

Christmas specials and Christmas books for A.

We watch "It's a Wonderful Life"

Christmas Eve services at the church.

Before I post this, it might be important to note that its not for feeling like we are so great that I write this stuff, to an extent it is to remember it. I would be interested to hear about other folks traditions or thoughts about a lack of tradition...

Christmas conundrum

2008-11-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

Since I am a follower and seeker after Christ, it would make sense logically that Christmas would be this wonderful, happy, joyous season that I was glad for in my heart.

I try to get there.

With a few exceptions, I try not to talk about how I feel about Christmas really. Because unless you feel really happy about Christmas, people don't usually want to listen to the belly-achin', and I can say that's honest. I love Easter, and I don't really want people to be bringin Easter down, rather I would like that they could just enjoy it, and put problems aside for a day.

What that amounts to is not talking about some things that cast a shadow on an otherwise beautiful season. And that creates a hollowness to the season that can be hard to deal with.

For better or worse, I associate Christmas with alot of stress. Being in the right place at the right time, with the right gift for everyone perfectly wrapped and good food and good spirits and just being cool with everything even though you have no money and the expectation sometimes gets burdensome as is the guilt that accompanies. I can be honest and say that when my family divorced, Christmas ceased to be fun. When I married stepchildren in another state, Christmas didn't get any easier.

This pic to show that I am aware of how I may sound to some.

And since wandering around all season pouting or whining and puling isn't an option, I am left with the other option of finding a way to make the best.

This year, and for the past couple years, each year I am revealed something new that kind of redeems Christmas a little bit for me, makes the nervous twitches subside, allays the nausea and dread.

How I started to not dread Christmas

I always felt bad about not liking Christmas. Can you beat that? Feeling bad and then feeling guilty about it? What a flippin mess. Small wonder I tried to not talk about it. I still try not to talk about it, but since I feel like I have found some solutions, don't want them to escape.

I read Philip Yancey's book The Jesus I never Knew. In his book he shines light on aspects of Jesus that I never really thought much about before. He didn't say this, but today when I look at Jesus under this new light I see something amazing, even more amazing than a cute little baby that was the son of God. It is God's planning of all this. I can't pretend I know what God thinks, but I imagine him thinking "They will never believe in me unless they can see and know that I am real and that I love them," and so he created a form of himself as a human. Not some big strong charismatic powerful male figure, as we might think of God, like a celebrity a la Barack Obama or larger than life like Genghis Khan, but as a little baby.

A fragile little baby who could do nothing for himself as he arrived on earth. I guess because I am a mom of a newborn, this image touches me. It is like when we talk to little kids, we ask them questions that we might already know the answer to, not because we want to know the answer, but to engage them, because we love them. The idea that God, the creator loves humanity that much, in fact as much as I love my little girls, arrives as a newborn child to an unwed teenage mom...hmmm. Does life get any more tenuous or delicate and fragile than that?

When came upon this in my own heart, I felt differently about Christmas.

There are more reasons why I feel differently about Christmas, but I will go into them next time.

The Shack

2008-10-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

I have picked up this book cos it came to me for free and there is apparently quite a bit of hubub about it.

I don't want say too much about it, because I ought to reserve judgment until I have finished it.

I can say this... it is about a guy who has 3 or 4 kids and what seems like a happy marraige, his dad was a drunk and he took off from home at an early age. He is characterized as being a humble, average, thoughtful everyman with Christian influences in his life--though like alot of people I am sure, he is only about half way in with the church scene. On a camping trip while helping his kids recoup from a tippy canoe, his youngest daughter is snatched and ultimately brutally murdered. All he ever sees of her again is the stain on the floor of a shack where her dress is found.

From here, the story begins and it has themes of reconciling with God after an atrocity like this occurs in ones life.

Some more missing the point--wrapup

2008-09-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

Brian McLaren's Adventures in Missing the Point was a pleasant read.

Sorry y'all but I don't have a book club where I can talk to people about the stuff that I am reading, and the Man is asleep.

Before I talk about how I got to this book, I will mention a sort of time in my Christian growing up. Disillusioned is a strong word to use, but a few years back the Christian church started to really bug me. There were alot of things going on there, but probably the worst of it was that I wasn't thinking about not being a Christian, there was never a question on that, but I kept finding these strange distasteful things in churches I would go to that made me really uncomfortable. I wasn't a "church shopper", I wasn't looking for what a church could do for me, I was looking for a church that wasn't going to water itself down in order to bring in more folk.

The stuff I was seeing?

Churches that looked like a marketing team had taken over, and the goal was to sell the church to those who walked through the doors. They had catchy slogans "Refresh, repent, renew", they quit calling it a church or dropped off "God" and instead just called it a "campus". Why can't we call it a church? Is the word church so offensive?

I went to services where the pastor, the worship leaders and everyone in leadership scolded the congregation for not worshiping fervently enough, and whipped up the congregants into a moaning, dancing, flag waving worship fury.

I listened to sermons where the pastor boiled the gospel down to baby food, ostensibly so that "we" could understand it better (the service I mention was about Ephesians 6 which suffered through a comparison to Star Wars, where he showed clips of the movie and wore a mask to start the sermon-sigh-).

And I went to churches that were a sea of grey hair, and it looked like things pretty much were the same as they were 50 years ago.

The hard part was always that I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about my frustrations, because I would be being too critical about superficial details. But my thought was, how could I bring someone to a place that I was going to feel compelled to apologize for? I decided that I would just suck it up and go, and that every time I had the urge to shake my head at an overly simplified sermon, or at worship songs that were devoid of any meaning, I would just not criticize.

It was hard because I was coming off a time of struggling with my faith because it mainly felt like a collection of rules that dictated that anything that was fun was probably not ok, and I would be judged accordingly by my fellow Christians. Lovely. It was a bad place to be with my faith, but I knew I wasn't going to stop being a Christian, just that I had to figure a way through that present quagmire.

On an aside, I am a person who is entirely comfortable with disagreement. I don't need to have everyone around me think the same way as I do. It came as a shock to me even to find out that this was maybe unusual? In speaking with a coworker, I offhandedly mentioned that my husband was republican and so was much of my family, though I often tended to lean a little further left on some things. She out of hand couldn't believe I would marry a republican, declared she never could do such a thing. Huh, I thought. I just can't imagine that it would be kind of boring to marry someone that agreed with you about everything.

So with that back story, enter a book like Missing the Point, and that is why I felt like it was a good book. Not because it was so hyper intellectual, it wasn't. He just says things that I needed to hear at some point.

McLaren has such a wonderful way of setting straight without being painfully critical. He does not do the polemic/iconoclast thing, for which I am grateful. He doesn't seek to rip everything down and declare it without value or show its lack of worth. He does point out some very obvious but not necessarily positive trends in the church, and points out that they are not, in fact, biblical whatsoever. What a relief.

I like the fact that I don't have to agree with everything the authors say. I like the fact that disagreement is written into the book with a commentary after each chapter by the co-author. I can't speak highly enough of the format, because sometimes McLaren is way more liberal that I am at, and the commentary by Campolo might be a relief because he comes back to the center.

I am appreciative that there are times when they put their finger on how things might be better, where the church has gotten off track. Each chapter tackles a different subject and one author brings up how aspects of the current status might be improved. And then the other author will make a commentary, adding, agreeing, disagreeing. It was well organized, which made it very easy to read and still interesting.

Early on in the book they point out that things that are standard procedure in churches today aren't something that really came out of the bible, but tools that are used to hold up what the church has become today. Altar calls, sinners prayer, and the heavy focus on the individual in the church are all sort of artifices that we do now, but they are not something that is biblical.

I appreciate that they do see it as the job of a Christian to be mindful of caring for the environment. I am relieved to see that level of responsibility within those who are in the church.

I think the thing I enjoyed the most was that this book spurred discussion. It makes for some very good talking points and I thought it would be great for a book club. It's books and conversations like these that can help a believer dig a little deeper, ask the right questions, start to think about what they believe and wrestle with things in a constructive way. All that is good stuff.

I would say read it. It will make you think and probably disagree with at least a thing or two, but agree with a thing or two as well.

Adventures in missing the point

2008-09-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

I was reading fiction for awhile but then I started missing reading my books that make me think. I didn't have any recommendations to go on, so I just aimed and shot. I came up with the McKinley book "Jesus in the Margins" because what he writes is pretty reliably easy to digest, and typically interesting enough. I had just gotten off of trying to read the New Conspirators by Tom Sine. I made it like to page 60 something and while he wasn't saying anything that I strongly disagreed with, he was just had some ideas that I was having trouble stomaching.

So this here is the next foray, and I guess even though sometimes McLaren will say something that makes me want to be critical of him, more often than not I appreciate what he says, that he says it, that he is even thinking about it, and that he writes so well on the subject, he makes me think more and well, that's what I want.

It's interesting because by and large he is talking about directions and misdirections the church has taken. Points where we might have gotten a little lost. I am not enough of an expert to speak coherently whatsoever about the topic, in public at least. The book has generated several really good conversations at our house though, and here's what is coming out...

Postmodernism, McLaren says, looks like premodernism. There is more stress on experience, beauty, mystery and I might describe it as what things look and feel like rather than what they are. McLaren says that in modern times, particularly in apologetics christians were very interested in proving things, evidence, making a case and generally using a very rational approach to showing why the bible was credible.

In that time, I say, how the church looked and felt was like a judgemental somewhat self absorbed older brother or sister who were more focused on the appearance of success and making proclamations about what was ok and not, like homosexuality and rock music and the like. We had some bad mouth pieces, and on the popular culture way, they did us some harm. The way the church looked and felt was not a place that the postmodern gen wanted to find itself. So postmodernism starts to go back to creating a Christianity that is less focused on proving things but is more toward beauty and goodness. I dare to say, a Christianity that is authentically attractive for those who want to pursue the teachings of Christ.

He brings out somethings that Christians today do and practice but that were never a part of the bible explicitly, like the sinners prayer. Some may not matter but some may, as a raft of things get tagged on to our beliefs, where a verse here or there is explored so deeply that it starts to get perhaps overly emphasized. For example, in the churches I went to, there was this big thing about spiritual gifts. You were supposed to serve according to your spiritual gifting. 1 Corinthians 12:7 talks about them. My problem was that I never had a clue what my gifting might have been. Even if I did, I wasn't sure if limiting my service to that area was really what was the direction that people should be guided. It seemed to me like a tool that could easily be used by people to do little or nothing, because they didn't know what their gifting was. So since I wasn't alone, the church started helping people to figure out their spiritual gifts with inventories and questionnaires.

I don't mean to pick on the guy that came up with this idea, its not the only thing that has gotten alot of attention in the American church there are also angels, the prosperity doctrine, speaking in tongues, and a whole raft of aberrations by which people can get sidetracked if they spend too much time emphasizing the importance (or in some cases believing at all like the prosperity doctrine). But it was the kind of thing that made me scratch my head and wonder "Explain to me again how this is germane to me following the teachings of Christ?"

McLaren writes in such an easy to take style, I could take some lessons from him. He is critical without typically criticizing. He analyzes or shines a light on things without being radically and violently iconoclastic. He is knowledgeable enough to challenge me, and yet I never feel like I am supposed to believe everything he has to say.

It used to be that this stuff might not interest me, that I would feel like overly looking at these things would be missing the point in itself. But I think differently now. I am aware that the church is viewed as not the kind of place people view as a respite from the world, but rather a place they would never want to lay their sins down because too often it is where they would be judged by the ones who think they don't have sin. The church too often is a place that is misrepresented. I want to see how I can avoid doing that as well, and I suppose a little awareness is a good place to start. I appreciate this book for that...go read it!

Manly devotions

2008-08-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

I am reading "Jesus in the Margins" by Rick McKinley. It is a fairly easy read. I am enjoying it, looking to see if there is some new insight in there.

One thing he talked about was the story from Jeremiah where the people make broken cisterns to hold water rather than relying on God. From there McKinley talks about some of the broken cisterns we have. For a person whose heart has been moved to the decision to put Christ as the foundation upon all the rest of life flows, one would think that there would be no broken cisterns. But there are. For me, especially in the past couple months it was "Why haven't you been spending time in prayer/meditation?" and then I nag myself "If your God is really as important as you claim he is, why is there no time in your day for him?" Ouch.

That isn't entirely true. In some ways everything I do has a spiritual element. I am constantly giving thanks, not because I am so great, but probably to compensate for the lack of actual time being spent.

I read this all to J, about the distractions that we happily fill up our time with, computers, TV sets and entertainment or busyness. He, as usual disagrees. He tells me he has never gotten anything from devotion time.

(Sound of brakes screeching to a halt) What? How can you spend time seeking God and come away feeling like the time was wasted?

Then he cites people who spend time in devotion and it doesn't seem to make any difference as to their ability to live out the Lord's teaching.

And of course with my liberal education I am thinkin "WAAAAAAIIIIIT a minute!" Are we even referring to the same thing and in a leptosecond I realize, no, probably not.

So let's define what we are talking about. I am talking about time spent meditatively in prayer. It might be reading the bible as well, seeing how the Lord will speak to you through his word.

Further out, like a poseur or wannabe of some sort, like a meat or milk substitute, like carob for chocolate or saccharin for sugar are the books called "devotions". I realize in the course of our conversation that while these books are apparently useful for some people, to me they are unnerving, useless. They offer light platitudes of things that I can't believe people don't already know. They offer them in bite sized pieces, one per day, that may or may not have anything to do with anything in ones life. I realize instantly: this is what J thinks is a devotion time. These are what I have tried in vain to find some use or meaning. I have grow to a point of holding little more than contempt for these "devotions".

Suddenly I understand why he considers meditative time to be close to worthless. Neither he nor I need bite sized pieces of gospelfood. But we do need to not give up that time spent listening, meditating and praying.

Before this conversation, I never realized that I had any feeling here nor there about these "devotion" books, only that like vitamins, maybe I was supposed to read them, however, the books I was reading made me think more, reflect more, seek more and pray more than the platitudes of a devotional.

It isn't important what I think about these books, but it reminds me of a bigger thing. J detests the singing in churches by and large. As we have talked about it, I understand why. The lyrics are very feminine in a way. "I want to know you, I want to hear your voice, I want to touch you, I want to feel you..." I have to admit, I can't sing this song. It has no value to me, at times it just grates. Now I hear these lyrics and I can tell J is tuning out without even looking at him. He does feel more at home with hymns, but will sing anything as long as it doesn't sound ridiculous to him. I gave up a long time ago figuring out whether the lyrics were ridiculous, feeling like I should just not be critical. However, I do understand his point of view.

I think for a guy, church is a place largely reflecting the touch of women. It is very hard to find a place as a guy. There is a mens group that meets on weekday AMs at our church, which is a strange time since most men are at work. I understand his frustration. At one point he belonged to a great group of men, and then the studies started being watching a DVD. I understood when he expressed "How is that fellowship?"

So when I asked him about devotions, I could just imagine him trying to read one of those day by day devotions and have him think that this is the way time with God is done. A rigid definition. No wonder he rejects it, I have my own difficulty with it.

And yet as followers of Christ it is our job to not stop there.

Meeting missionaries

2008-08-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

I met B and C just before or around the time that J and I were about to marry. They were leaving to Afghanistan with their newborn daughter. That was approximately 6 years ago.

I have been trying to keep in touch with them for the past 6 years, not letting go of them because I feared for them, admired the courage and wondered just how does one do that for so many years in a country that seems as dangerous as Afghanistan. They are home on home leave with C pregnant and 2 weeks away from her due date. It was hard not to contrast the enthusiastic young couple I met when I first met them with the people I met this afternoon with their kids.

I liked C because she reminded me of some of my friends, young, intelligent, not superficial, realistic and bold in a mature way, but still enthusiastic, easy to smile and laugh. I saw qualities in her that I admired.

Today when I met with them, I was just I guess, surprised at the couple I met. They looked much older, though they are younger than I. They seemed tireless, but reserving their energy. They seemed serious. They listened well, questioned carefully. Talked about daily life and looking for bombs under their car before going places.

I saw B first, and probably because in Afghanistan females simply don't talk to males they don't know, he looked visibly uncomfortable with my introducing myself and extending my hand for a handshake. He went to find C.

It all made me consider how hard their job and life must be, and wonder about the changes that I saw in them.

I asked probably too many questions, not wanting to pry and saying "If it isn't private..." because I wanted to hear, but I didn't want to make them uncomfortable or unwittingly ask something too private.

Inquiry is what got me here

2008-08-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

I heard a report on NPR about a camp for kids that was an alternative to Christian camps all over the place this summer. I thought that was interesting. The camp was called "Camp Inquiry". I was confused, since when is inquiry the opposite if faith?

I listened to the testimonies of kids who proclaimed God as not existing, as being as valid as believing in fairies and basically in their youthful wisdom (ahem) declaring belief in God a rather disdainful, delusional path to take. I know when I was their age, I was pretty much in the same place. I almost killed myself on account of it.

The thing that struck me though was the name of the camp. It is as though Camp Inquiry is the only place where kids are asking the hard questions. And Camp Inquiry, being decidedly outside of religion, sounded like it was the alternative to church camps. This is taken from the Center for Inquiry's website.

Through education, research, publishing, and social services, it seeks to present affirmative alternatives based on scientific naturalism. The Center is also interested in providing rational ethical alternatives to the reigning paranormal and religious systems of belief, and in developing communities where like-minded individuals can meet and share experiences.

So, one can inquire, but the inquiry has to remain in the realm of what can be proven by humans. Which kind of purports that humans are the ultimate, what we don't know doesn't exist, or what we can't prove doesn't exist. I heard a person say once, in talking about cosmology that if our science doesn't allow for the humanly unknowable, our science is very limited, and while not useless, substantially lacking.

So I suggest that Camp Inquiry is faith based as equally as a Christian camp is, only the faith is in humanity. To me, this thought is depressing, disturbing and wanting.

It also makes me appreciate faith based camps more as being more open minded.

Inquiry is an absolute part of any real choice or decision that isn't going to retract itself shortly thereafter. I actually was excited and thought "I want my kids to go to camp Inquiry!" when the show started, but then I realized it was not a true sort of inquiry, but one limited to what can be proved by science. This belief is called alternately "Naturalism" or "Materialism", and they are based on humans. Too bad Camp Inquiry wasn't true to its name.

It is isn't a place of true inquiry. Camp Inquiry inquires really in only the direction of secular humanism. They teach you about evolution and why creationism is dumb, and they give you a safe place from all those Christians. At first I thought I would send my kid there, until I saw this. That and the radio interview really espoused a negative attitude against faith. I don't really think it is inquiry they are after, they are after getting away from religion. They believe instead, in humans.

Because honestly, since no one knows if there is a god, it all takes faith of one sort or another. Since evolutionists cannot recreate the theory they hold about the beginning of life (you know, the proteins in the primordial pool), it takes a level of faith to believe that their theory is true. Natural selection is different than this idea of life coming from nonlife. So is evolution.

So the question ends up as who are you going to put your cards with? A God that is better than we could ever be, or humanity as it is.

I am sorry if I sound dogmatic. I was once one of the kids at Camp Inquiry, I read Camus, went to parties and tried it all once. I was a secular seeker. And none of it made me very happy. All my inquiry in that direction just lead me to a "Is that all there is?" place.

I think the change in direction (going toward God rather than actively escaping him) actually opened my mind rather than allowing the culture and media at large determine what to think of Christianity (after I became Christian, a friend sent me a mixed tape with the song "Christianity is Stupid, give up!"), my "inquiry" made me see that even if none of it was true, my life quality would be infinitely better pursuing the direction of God.

And it is. So I suppose that in the way some people feel it is bad to raise your kids within your faith, it seems equally as unkind to raise your kids without the option of a faith. Camp Inquiry, at best is this limited inquiry masquerading as "enlightenment" and at worst a way to leave no option for a kid to make sense of the world and give them a reason to hope when hope is gone.

Interesting, at least...

2008-07-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

J was reading this book and I picked it up after the previous post, wherein atheists got in quite the uproar on this radio program I listened to. They can be quite uncharitable to people who believe in God, those atheists! I guess I am always surprised at the rancor people have regarding faith. They are often times quite angry. There is alot of emotion in them...and I guess it is surprising to me because if you believe there is no God (yes, it also requires faith to believe there is no God), it seems like you would just shrug after saying so and go your way, without much ado.

From what I read though, Sam Harris' book "The End of Faith" is really quite hot with emotion. He obviously feels very strongly about not believing in anything. Why does that always strike me as the opposite of what one would expect? I guess it is because it seems that when a person finds their answer, it seems they would achieve a certain amount of peacefulness, satisfaction and a sort of closing of the book of questions about origins, purpose, morality and other large philosophical questions. Instead, Harris is the opposite of peaceful, he is combative and seeks to rip apart everything that is not what he believes. Huh.

I guess I would want to be happier once I decided to believe a certain way, not more argumentative. It seems that confrontational way indicates an uncertainty or insecurity about those beliefs. Kind of like the person who is so offended by the bible they cannot bear to hear it referenced. Why? If you truly don't believe, why do you even care?

Never mind. I picked up this book and for the first time I am following Ravi and glad he and I are seeing the same things. I humbly admit that sometimes when I listen to him, he gets so abstract it is like work to follow his line of thinking.

A long time ago when my life was aimless, sort of depressing and full of searching, before I decided to pursue the Christ of the Scriptures this thought came to me:

Even if when all was said and done, and we are dead and wherever we go afterward, would having pursued Christ one's whole life have been a waste of time? If someone laughed at me for my faith after dying...would I feel like a sucker? My answer informed my accepting the Christian faith "No," Even if after if was all over and it was revealed that Christ was a hoax perpetrated on the most gullible, I would still feel like I had chosen the best possible path here on earth. I would not be ashamed, embarrassed or otherwise ever regret having chosen to follow Christ.

Think Out Loud: Faith in the Northwest

2008-07-12T06:02:00.001-07:00

In a previous post, I talked about a pretty standard issue Portland resident who was against religion, particularly Christianity.

I agree with the guy who said that the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is utter indifference. So along the lines of "Me thinks thou doth protest too much", on one angle, the amount of anger against religion makes me wonder. Why so much offense? Why so much threat? Why not ignore and walk away?

Edit: In talking with J about this, he made a good point: alot of the the really aggressive proselytizing has come from the generation before ours when there was alot of pressure to convert people. There is still mission, but with today's young folk, many have distanced themselves from this aggressive approach. That being said, the aggressive are still there. Still, I have run across enough people who wanted me to convert to this or that, and I primarily just ignore them and wish them well. Maybe it's the hellfire and damnation that turned them off? Ya think?

So today on Think Out Loud, they talked about faith in the Northwest. You can listen to the show online or read the thread. In the thread there were:

People who did not have a favorable opinion of religion/faith or Christianity
Baha'i talking up the Baha' faith
Some people who worshiped with trees and nature
Some people who felt Christians were pushy, judgmental and resented organized religion
Some intrepid Christians (very few)

And the only reason to post this is because I think that it nicely portrays the religious climate here in Portland from a secular point of view. From a biblical point of view, that climate fits well with what the Bible says about the offense of the word and the incomprehension of the Message.

I appreciate this conversation immensely. I appreciate it when people even talk about this, because it is such a touchy subject, no one wants to go near it. It's like talking about abortion. So here the door is open, what will the church say back? Are they listening? What response is there? Can we keep this conversation going?

Some pertinent links from the guests. The Rebelution: a site for teens about being Christian, what that looks like.

Dear Mr. Spurlock

2008-07-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Morgan,

I take your name attached to a movie as an identifier that it will be well-reasoned, above average for what TV offers and sometimes reaching and achieving excellency, and sometimes goofy. I also think you are the only host I have ever watched that knows how to do the job correctly. I like the fact that your angle is off beat but fair, your investigation is typically relentless and balanced. You see, I am in your corner.

However, with this second season of 30 days, I feel like 2 of the 3 episodes on this disk, the cards were stacked. You wanted the viewers to come away with a certain feeling, more so than you wanted to be balanced and fair.

For example, the guy who was against immigration, the one who volunteered for the Minutemen, I felt the whole episode was designed to change his mind, rather than to ever give the Mexican family a sense of empathy as to why illegal immigration can be actually a very bad thing. He was dogmatic, a gun toter, and rather than painting a coherent picture of the victims of illegal immigration, who are lower middle class Americans as well as illegal immigrants and their families, the episode seemed designed to enlighten him. I would like to think that at least a few people against illegal immigration are so out of compassion, rather than being dogmatic self appointed policers of the border, whose anti-immigrant sentiment at times sounds like an allowed version of neo-nazism.

Additionally, I didn't feel the atheist and the Christian family were a fair matchup.

The Christians by and large looked like rich, white people who were barely barely able to scratch the surface of their beliefs before their brains tilted, where the "atheist" clearly had give alot of thought about her decision.

There are alot of not very smart or informed atheists, and there are also many critical thinking Christians out there. A more fair matchup might have had a Christian family that didn't merely typify the churchgoers who try to convert everything in sight.

I thought it must have been really hard for the atheist too.

A better version of this show, whose premise was to elicit mutual understanding between atheist/agnostic people and Christians, was to put them both at a level of wrestling with spiritual issues. Were they both thinkers who were mature enough to not resort to fiery emotion at the first incongruence of beliefs, there could have been some very thought-provoking conversations. As it was, the father of the Christian family was thick with incomprehension of how anyone could not believe the way he does. His approach left the atheist woman feeling threatened and scared to talk, less able to articulate her beliefs.

Anyway, will continue to watch and show your stuff in my classrooms, but your fairness is really crucial to what you do. If it seems unbalanced, alot of credibility is lost...

I won't even go in here on how abyssmal Chalk was. Meh, please. Don't insult our intelligence!

Culture wars and Religion wars in Portland Oregon

2008-06-26T06:18:00.001-07:00

I have always liked more to live in an environment that is relatively liberal. Such as Portland, Oregon. But sometimes, Portland and me, see, we don't always agree. There is a sort of tension I see/hear/read/experience living as a follower of Christ in the wildly liberal PacNW.

Recently I met a friend up at Mississippi Pizza and Pub and had the sort of experience that kind of illustrates this "culture war". While I was reading Willamette Week, I sat next to a young lady who was telling a friend first about a college class she was disappointed with (the forestry service was sexist because they gave the ladies daintier, smaller patches to wear--the outrage!), but then about her wildly religious brother. They had disagreed I guess.

It sounded like he was talking to her about his faith and she was getting offended, saying things like "Just because I have a tattoo, doesn't mean I am going to hell,". It's hard not to smirk at these types of comments, and if her brother was suggesting that she was going to hell for her tattoo, than I would be agreeing more with her.

Later she said something like she believes that she would be judged based on how she lived her life as to whether she would go to heaven. As a Christian, I am wondering, she rejects the faith, why would she want heaven?

Her tone was hard but pretty much common. At one point she mentioned how he might be going to hell because he was wearing socks that had mixed fibers in them. She seemed to feel she had bested him in this comment, said that he was confused. Probably because he was so ignorant about the bible? Apparently he did try to explain to her that Christians didn't live under that law anymore, but this was more than she wanted to go into...

While I am trying to not hear this annoying conversation, I am reading WW which is panning a short film made by a Lake Oswego man called "Jesus save me from your followers" or something like this. The reviewer lambasted the film's producer as a "milk toasty emergent church type." How sad I thought, here this guy is trying to address the weird malice that exists between the world and the church here in the PacNW, and this fellow can do nothing but be critical. Sometimes it seems that Portland, like others I know, are so offended, annoyed and "evolved past" religion in their post modernism, that any acknowledgment of religion smells like caveman to them, and is thus retrograde.

Further, in the car listening to a podcast from Speaking of Faith, Shane Claiborne (a new Monastic and Christian activist) discusses with Chuck Colson (born again Christian indicted for scandal for Watergate crimes, now prominent Christian author) and Greg Boyd (mega church pastor who preached about the church not endorsing politics and lost a bunch of people from his church) are on a panel talking about the best way to represent Christ in the voting booth--basically a whole lot of conversation and fresh air on the subject of the religious citizen, not left right or otherwise. This wonderful podcast found here.

And it is played out in my life too. I was baptized and in alot of ways mentored by folks who were very Christian/Republican--and I never quite felt like I fit in with them. We don't talk about politics because it gets too hot too fast. My husband as well comes from a conservative background, and we find ourself not allying with with either a left or right viewpoint.

My eternal questions are "When can we stop talking about political parties in religion? When can we just get to the point that we realize that if political parties are dividing a faith, they need to be eschewed as a bad thing? When can we stop singing patriotic songs in church and when can we quit mixing up religion and nationalism? Hasn't Islam showed us how these things don't mix?"

As for the girl I overheard, I know that there are alot of people out there who have been utterly turned off by the religion due to the sheer humanity that represents it. At one time I was among her ranks. No one told me to dislike Christians, I effectively absorbed it from the culture. Christians were weak, sad, brainwashed, suffered from mystery maladies, told strange stories, spoke in tongues, were doggedly right wing and incapable of thinking outside that---a whole slew of negative connotations that in my younger years I attributed to Christians.

So what happened? Well, I got changed around, and yes, it was the best thing that could have happened. And miraculously I didn't also turn into a republican, stop thinking, become sad, weak or brainwashed or begin suffering mystery maladies.

In fact, I began thinking more about bigger questions...I struggled and wrestled with the stuff in the bible (and still do) to make sense of it and sometimes to put it on the shelf until it becomes clearer. I know that if I could understand every aspect of why God is how he is, he wouldn't be worth pursuing. I wonder about how this faith will work out in my every day life, and that is where the excitement it, really. I learn more, in general, about many of the bigger questions-- stuff I never thought of before I became a Christian 18 years ago. I have to reconcile things. All in all, being a Christian has been much more exciting, thought provoking, lead to interesting conversations, joyful and challenging than I ever thought it could be when I was on the outside looking in.

My brain didn't switch off, actually, it was more like it switched on. I thought for myself rather than absorbing what my surrounding "culture" (my friends, my media, my education) told me about "religious types".

And so Imago Dei prays for Portland. And I do too. I hope Portland will also start thinking, listening and the church will be there with something worth listening to.

Actually, that part worries me the most. To be continued.

A good change.

2008-04-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's hard to talk about decisions made regarding church without talking about things that were hard to bear at some point. And whenever one goes there, there is a bit of "Oh so you think you are too good for..."

or it sounding like one is being overly critical.

When in reality, my heart just started wanting something really different than the way church was being done. I wanted a place to study the bible. I wanted maybe a few other people my age. And of course, I wanted to be in a church service that didn't mostly talk about self help psychology and have singing that reminded me of the 700 club. I wanted no more people in front of me shouting "JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!"

And I had begun reading contemplatives and had for some years seeing service as really the best way for me to serve.

Enter the alternatives. I looked at the emerging church. I still listen to the podcast sermons from Imago Dei, not because they are emerging, but because they are so solid. I never could see what the distinctives were really, and felt like the distinctives were little more than they were distinct. Being different for the sake of being different, was that all there was? I never understood how what the emerging church was so terribly different, but if they were bringing people to the Lord, well that has to be good. I liked Brian McLaren, I agree with him, and Rick McKinley and that other Blue Like Jazz guy...but something inside me wanted more than merely new.

I am at a Quaker church. And while no denomination is always going to be the best at all the time, so far I am so impressed with some things I am seeing...

People here actually are involved with so much of what happens at the church. It isn't a top down type of thing. People talk about what shape they want their worship services to take.

People read books and they have a huge active library, they share their books with you and they are a nice bit beyond one's life having a purpose.

There is a focus on service and equality. This focus isn't entrenched in decisions that were made eons ago. It is dynamic, new daily. "How does this look now?"

The services blend technology so elegantly. I don't feel like I am in a theater, nor do I have to read an overhead projector.

The church is a nice size. I don't know how many people, but with 3 services, we have to look for a place to sit in the balcony if we don't come early enough. There is a good mix of ages, from youth to the seniors.

They think about what they believe, and ask questions and discuss and it is interesting to them. I thought for the longest time that Christians didn't talk about religion because it was maybe not tasteful, or it might be a secret, but the nitty gritty, well, it was not nice or something. And if I did want to talk about it, it became so dogmatic, a reiteration of the same talking points... I am so relieved to be able to talk about it here.

And if that wasn't good enough, there is a Friends church with a co-op preschool just a touch down the road. Most excellent for the mom with little ones.

An about faith

2008-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

My friend L and I, once when we were talking about faith told me that she envies me for being able to believe in God. She said she just never could. My thought was "That's too bad," because nothing in life would make any sense or having any meaning without Jesus.

I left here comment at that. But whenever one runs in evangelical circles, there is always this question about unsaved friends. People have plenty to say about our unsaved friends.

One person though talked about having a friend just like my friend L. This person's friend also said that they were envious of people who had faith, they wish they also had that faith.

And then this person said that if we follow the logic, that this friend was saying "only crazy people would believe in this nonexistent supernatural entity" and then was saying that they could suspend disbelief long enough to be able to have the comfort that would come from believing in this nonexistent supernatural entity.

So this person concluded, that when a friend tells you that they wish they could believe in God, but were unable to, they are really saying that they wish they could be crazy, like you are, because it must be easier.

I laughed and thought this was pretty harsh, but as I think about it, I can't really see where it is untrue. Even if I don't choose to see my friends this way.

Prosperity Doctrine

2008-03-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

Joel Osteen

His message is so mixed of truth with just "feel good self help" it is spooky. How to discern the fluff from the scriptural?

And for John Piper, who I respect, it makes him angry.

Spending time on the aberrations of the church is kind of negative vortex of wasted time, but I see so much of this "feel good self help messages" that I wonder if the bible got boring for the pastor. I wonder if he feels that we know everything about Revelation already. I don't. I want to learn some more. And so I wonder why I keep entering these churches that people rave about that look more like rock shows and deliver and nice fluffy message that barely touches the word of God.

I feel these places sell deception and prevent people from growing in the richness of coming to know Jesus. It is a reason to pray for the American church.

2008-02-28T19:36:00.001-08:00

One of the pastors showed this on Sunday. At first we are smiling because it is like a cross between James Brown and a pastor, but towards the end, you have to admit, it's good.

Reading

2008-02-24T21:42:00.000-08:00

Henri Nouwen: The Selfless way of Christ. I really enjoy most of the way he writes. He brings out aspects of Christ's character that I haven't seen emphasized much, and it's really a drink of fresh cold water.

Mother Teresa: The Simple Path, In My Own Words, In the Heart of the World. Well clearly I have been on a frenzy of Mother Teresa stuff. I think every person could learn alot from her, I know I can. Reading what she does, her encouragements, prayers and about her work is some good soul food. (not like bbq, a little different) Her life's work is just powerful, only in that it is so incredibly simple.

Randy Alcorn: Heaven. A friend read this and it is coming highly recommended so I am going to start.

And I am not sure about this blog. I initiated it because there really are so many thoughts that rattle around in my head about spiritual subjects. But when I write about them, they become so trivialized, I feel like. It's like writing about some really very personal stuff, and just throwing it out there. Knowing fully this blog isn't read much if at all, I am not sure to what extent it matters, but when I write some of this stuff, it feels a little cheaper. Unless I can make fun of something, and it's funny, I am not sure if publishing is the way to go.

The Past

2008-02-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

In China, when they are embarrassed about something or aware that they have broken one of their many rigid social norms, they lower their face.

I found this an easy cultural thing to adopt after I went there. Enough were the times and even now, are the times when I want to put my face down, I can't explain all the reasons why.

I guess part of me wants to blame it on something else, the misspoken words, the ill-conceived ideas, the overreactions. "I was brought up this way," "I was young," "That was a hard time in my life, that's why I did that," In fact, alot of times, I look for an excuse for my mistakes to understand myself.

And I am comforted by all the mistakes that I see in the people that God loved alot throughout the bible. I guess it makes me feel among good company of mistake makers.

But I don't live with God, I live among people. And some people have seen me at my worst. I have done stuff, said stupid stuff and hurt people I care about such that even now as a married person I consider how I can let them now how sorry I am.

It's not fake contrition, or histrionics, I don't talk about it and I basically try not to think about it because it does me no good to wallow in my mistakes.

But I do guess I wish someone would have told me that I would have to live with these mistakes with a memory as fresh as a warm loaf of bread.

And while there might be anxiety management, and anger management and ways to help with depression or all these other things, shame is something people get to deal with entirely on their own.

God forgives. But what about people who were friends? I don't think that most people are very good at completely forgetting when they were trampled. All the memory still is there.

And so why does it matter? Let go, be done with it. And so it is. But I miss the friendships I had with these intelligent, creative people, and I am compelled to stay away so that I don't do anymore damage or cause unpleasant memories to arise in them.

And ironically after every time I make a foolish misjudgement, I think "Well, at least I am smarter than that now," And while I would like very much to believe that, I have said it just often enough to wonder if I believe if I will ever be free of the mistakes I make, if ever I will just get to be a good thing to my friends.

Something old, something new

2008-01-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

So we moved in November. New community. New neighborhood. We don't really know anyone here.

So we had to find a new church. I might have voiced before, I wasn't entirely unhappy about this change. I am not a church hopper, but I honestly was just okay with taking a different direction in church.

About a year and a half ago, I got all curious about Anabaptists. Then I got all curious about contemplatives and new Monastics and all my real closeness with God was happening in service opportunities. It was through those experiences my heart was changing, I was learning. Mostly because I didn't know what I was doing and so anything good I had to offer had to come from the Lord. And I knew and know I had/have a long way to go, but felt and feel that I really had found where my direction was.

So back to finding a new church. As fate would have it (or perhaps it was planned all along), we moved to Newberg. Initially we were going to move to another town where my job is, but all the houses there were insanely overpriced. We would have to move out of the city into the country into a smaller, less attractive, not well located home to afford this other town. Before that, we looked in many, many other towns. All had obstacles that were forbidding. Overpriced, poor, no homes or whatever. The final option was Newberg. And here we are, happy with where we landed.

So the first part of establishing our community and getting involved was to find a church to dig roots in.

Our first church was a foursquare church. It was like our other church in many ways.

But on the way to the foursquare church, the Friends church we passed seemed to always be hoppin. And since we were looking for something new, we gave it a try.

It is hard to explain why we liked it so much with out letting on a little about what we were trying to get away from. We had visited a church that honestly felt more like a Janet Jackson concert than a church. It was very dark with many TV screens and while the message was fine, the whole experience was so passive that it made me feel like I was in the audience, watching other people worshiping.

Since I got back from Russia, the American church I had to deal with more than anything. I felt like church was starting to look like 700 club. I couldn't not go. I didn't want to be critical. I just resigned myself to a church that was changing into something I didn't really like. Apparently there were small groups, but it was never clear how to become involved. Worship, opportunities to serve, the depth of teaching...I decided church was important, but not because it was necessarily edifying.

Both J and I have been happy with how this Friends church is meeting us right up to our every hope of what we could find in a church home. It is contemplative, it is relevant, it is open to voices from the congregation, it is service oriented. It didn't hurt either that a really nice couple opened their home to us.

I am excited about what we are going to be learning...we haven't settled on this one place yet, but it is a Friends church, Quaker. Hopefully they will invite us to their potlucks :o) (could they possibly be better than a Baptist potluck is for a starving college student?)

A new old concept

2008-01-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

So, there are alot of ways that we are told in general how to approach diversity. We are supposed to celebrate it, and tolerate it and all these things we are supposed to do.

It is really important I guess...I was surprised at a parent conference to hear a colleague getting herself chewed a new one by a couple parents objecting to the word diversity, because it meant homosexuality (according to them) and so their kids were being taught to accept homosexuals.

Glad I wasn't on the receiving end for that one.

Learned from a colleague later that the town had passed some sort of legislation that made it illegal to be homosexual or some such thing. The state overturned it, but it still stands: the people in the town where I teach, they are anti-homosexual.

The new word I heard as pertaining to diversity was humility. I almost fell off my chair. Before, the highest anyone has reached has been "tolerance" which always left a sort of unpleasant taste in my mouth. It isn't exactly loving. I mean, I do more for my friends and neighbors than tolerate them. I hope anyway.

So this new word is exciting to me. It encompasses a more appropriate approach to our diverse communities. To me it says "How about, rather than merely tolerating people of diverse beliefs, backgrounds etc., we come to admit that it isn't really important what we think about them? How about we just be as we are supposed to be, which is loving our neighbor?"

Getting down to brass tacks, is our opinion really important? Could it be, especially as a follower of Christ, that we submit to something higher, like humility and that our response be closer to humility reflecting the biblical call that we are not to judge? We are however, called to be loving.

How does this look? Well it probably looks like what a lot of people already do, in that, we just go along, get along. What other people do in their lives is not our domain for judgment. It doesn't matter what we think of what they do. All we are called to do is to Love our neighbor as we love ourselves. That is it. And that means that this is how we feel in our hearts as well...it isn't an act. Because everyone can tell if one is just trying very hard to do what one is told, but that isn't really how one feels.

I am sure I am hopelessly flawed, as I usually am when I feel like I have found something right. Feel free to gently enlighten me, or agree with me?

Reading: The Simple Path

2007-12-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

At night after a day of working with middle school kids, parenting, wifing the thing I seek most of all is to hit the reset button.

I need to clear my mind, and go back to what matters.

So I read.

There are all varieties of books that I am reading at once. A book in Spanish so I don't forget the language I paid 40,000 to learn how to speak, books about God that make me think about what I believe and lately I have stumbled on to some real gems.

A Simple Path is Mother Teresa talking about what she does. And how she does it. Her words warm my soul and fertilize a desire that has long been growing in my heart. But when she talks about what she does, I can't see a way to not be inspired, amazed. And my lasting feeling is "This is truly the best thing a person can do with their life." And I have one life, and so I go toward living it well, meaning usefully.

I cannot recommend her words highly enough. She talks about getting to prayer, joy, the work of her missions all around the world, how they came to be. Logistics and spiritual matters. I am so refreshed by her, I can go to sleep meditating on her words, and feel cleaned off from the day.

I plow through her books. I eat them up and then when I am sad they are over I linger on them a couple more days.

It is like hitting the reset button.

Christ and public schools

2007-11-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

Last school year, the school I worked at didn't blink when I asked if it would be any problem if I opened my classroom to a student led bible study for language learners. The girls were Russian speakers and from a very religious background, and the bible study they were amazingly devoted to.

These girls came every single day.

While they were there praying, singing and reading the bible, sometimes it just felt so wrong for me to be gnoshing on my PB&J, that I would lower my head and pray with them. I learned their Russian songs.

The experience was a huge blessing for me, even though I was never ready for the class after lunch.

At one point, we tried to become an official club, mostly for me because I wanted to not feel like we were sneaking around. The only issue came in that there were already something like 3 or 4 other student activities revolving around bible study, and the principal asked me if there was to be a bible study for every language represented in the school.

The caveat was that these girls were happily welcomed every and any person who came through the doors at lunch. They advertised via small business cards that they gave out to people who seemed interested. We had kids from Micronesia and all over the NIS, plus a couple girls who were Muslim. They even stood in prayer with us. To me and to the girls as well, any other way would have just been not at all right.

When I told the principal this, he was was surprised. He was a principal and very hard to read, but he never at any point seemed to have any issue about these girls meeting.

We never made official club status, but we tried and it didn't really matter, the principal knew well that we were there, and he was welcomed.

When I told other people about this they were flabbergasted that this was happening in a public school. But I have since learned that the right to gather peaceably in public is a constitutionally protected right, even for Christians. Christians can gather in school, pray, sing, and yes, read the bible.

Initially I wouldn't stand in prayer with the girls, I thought for sure I would be violating some civil rights thing I learned about.

But I had a change of heart. I decided that if someone was going to fire me for praying during my workday with students who wanted to meet to pray, so be it. I wasn't scared of that. I wouldn't regret my decision for a nanosecond. And it made my day every time those girls came to my room. I felt really happy, like I finally was prioritizing correctly.

I miss that part about that school. The choral groups would roam the halls and sing overtly Christian Christmas songs during the holidays. It felt honest, and it was a beautiful noise.

I have traveled, and while I don't belong to other religions, the bells they ring, their calls to prayer are beautiful to me. They do not offend me. I suppose if they honked their car horns every 5 seconds to show allegiance to their God, then I might get a little annoyed. I can handle the fact that other people do other things to celebrate other holidays that I don't necessarily celebrate and that all this is institutionalized...the banks close on their holidays. I can deal with that.

The idea of making no law that should respect a religion is translated very kooky here in the US. It is a very very good idea to separate church and state. But sometimes it gets very sticky.

The rights of student clubs in public high schools are protected by the First
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and the Equal Access Act (“the Act”), passed by Congress
in 1984.1 The basic purpose of the Act is to put religious clubs on equal footing with all other
student clubs by allowing them the same privileges and access to school facilities that other
recognized student clubs enjoy.2 Once the school recognizes a single non-curriculum related
club, it is said to have created a “limited open forum,” triggering the Act and entitling all other
qualified student clubs to the same access and benefits of school facilities as that
first club.

Off

2007-10-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

Adjusting to work schedule doesn't allow alot of time for much. Like sitting and just not doing anything for a little bit, which is for me the perpetual favorite thing on my list of things to do.

In my spare time, I plan for school, work offers on our house and clean it to show it, consider and prepare supper, pay bills, plan some more, care for my daughter, look for places to live and of course, chores and obligations.

Am reading Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew, a worthy read.

I try not to miss being home more, watching my baby girl grow slowly into a little lady who says new words like "disgusting" and "miserable" and "Oh my goodness" which cracks a smile. Keeping perspective on how fast this school year will go.

Am keeping ye olde head above water and keeping positive, which somehow, comes very easy to me.

Jeremiah

2007-09-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

School starting is the biggest punctuation of the year. Even Christmas rolls along easily, bumping through December with lots of pleasantness, although we have blended family trials compared to September they are nothing.

September all private life grinds to a halt. All summer fun gets the hatchet. Work begins, schedules shift, needs for the family change at once.

I transition from part to full time. Now who does the chores? Makes and buys food? Takes care of business? Well J takes up a good chunk of the slack, but the contents of my life are shaken up like that Christmas snow scene in a chunk of glass.

Now I see my colleagues whose names I barely know, more than my daughter or husband.

We have already decided next year I will pursue part time most persistently. I like working, I like my job, but children are only young once. We agree that the place to be is home. But, the money will be nice for awhile.

This is how it starts...

2007-08-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

Something that J pointed me toward...

Some stuff

2007-08-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

Started listening to a really interesting podcast that talked about this community called the Arch. It is a home where developmentally disabled people live and about the volunteers that live with them and about how their lives are transformed by the experience. I was incredibly touched by this.

Actually, I have enjoyed everything I have listened to on Speaking of Faith from American Public Media. I recommend their podcasts.

In other news, Mother Teresa's posthumous book is out soon, and the Oregonian wrote this big Sunday Paper headline advertising "Mother Teresa's doubts about faith". My lands. The media, if it isn't a gaggle of brainless, spineless nimwits, I just don't know what. Gasp! Christians wrestle with implications of their faith!! WOW! Is this news? Is it news to make it sound like Mother Teresa was less Christian because she, as a spiritual superior, would really grapple with some hard issues?

Finally, watched a movie called The Pursuit of Happyness. Was so hard to watch, all the bad stuff that happened to this guy, played really well by Will Smith. The movie is making me think about some stuff. I guess I could recommend it. I think I would have been able to deal with it better if I knew the ending, though.

Liberation Theology

2007-08-21T02:02:00.000-07:00

At first it sounds like some deeply entrenched, even institutionalized thing to me. But then I read some more and it sounds like something more like what I am going toward...the idea that my religion is useless if it doesn't get played out by giving oneself to the work of the Lord.

But I read more I see words like Marxism and socialism and revolution and Jesus as a revolutionary and I wonder if that is what I really want. It isn't.

I just wanted to bookmark this interest. Not to go there, but to figure out what it really is.

Flux

2007-08-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

J is reading "God in the Dock" which is a collection of essays and other things from C.S. Lewis. It is spurring conversations, like the one we had the other night by our firepit. Our best conversations usually include at least a little CS.

I just finished that book (Beautiful Mess) by Rick McKinley. First, it made me think I need to read Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Second, it made me think that the time has come for us to look for a different place to worship. My heart has been so torn on this issue for so long, I felt like "Look, you just find a place and stay there, it doesn't really matter where it is, and then you go from there," I know that is right. But since our house is for sale and we are trying to move to another community, maybe it isn't so bad to acknowledge that pull in another direction. It isn't a new pull, it's been going on now for quite awhile. A slow transition, no fast moves...easing into something.

McKinley said in the last chapter that there were 2 different aspects in the protestant world, one that focused on personal salvation and ministry to those within the church primarily (he called this the conservative church) and a more liberal (gasp, did I just say that word?) church that focused on social action and salvation expressed through service. He said that the first one is very good at getting people saved and pulling them up into fellowship, and the other was better at the outreach and service, though perhaps not as good in some other areas.

This is a subject that I find really and truly bores most people I know to death. And there is a certain truth that one will never find this "perfect church" and so throw that idea out the window first off. Okay, that done, now what?

Well that's the flux of it, I suppose.

I recommend the book, though I wish he would address the fact that without community (which is a rare commodity), some of these wonderful ideas don't work. Church is a community, albeit a sort of artificial one. Some of my favorite people in this community live 35 minutes away. I can't share a lawnmower with them (read the book). When I mentioned some of these good ideas to J he said something along the lines of wanting very much to be involved with ministries that helped people and showed them the love of the Lord, but for each person to start one from the ground up? Well, I have to agree, it made us both scratch our heads.

Well, the book certainly promotes his church well, and it is a message that my heart loves. But I always want the "how" as well as the "what". I agree with his "what", now how...

This isn't really meant as a book critique, it's more just processing...

ha ha

2007-08-11T00:43:00.001-07:00

Beautiful Mess

2007-08-08T00:45:00.000-07:00

It's light, it's nice, it's like a nice glass of fresh cold water on a hot day.

I am reading "This Beautiful Mess" by pastor Rick McKinley of Imago Dei. Apparently he is also interested in this "Simple Way"/new monasticism (a very fancy name for something very old).

Ideas rotating around the tension of the existence of good and bad in the world, the kingdom of God, service and "being the light".

He talks about coming to the Lord as children, which I seldom hear from the pulpit, refreshing, truthful and very appreciated.

And, he endorses things that are really just happiness to my ears and heart, like getting the focus off consumerism at Christmas, and supporting environmental issues ...Restoring Eden is an organization by Richard Cizik who is also the vice president of the NAE (National Association of Evangelicals) and who promotes considering environmental conservation, despite some strong lack of support from the Dobson ministries of Focus on the Family.

Okay, and before I close, I have to include a really amazing find... A guy named Eugene Cho in Seattle runs a church called Quest. He was visited by an journalist/gay rights advocate to "rate" his church, and the following Pandora's box ensued. The really gritty stuff is in the comments section. Alot of pain out there from the GLBT community about the "welcome but not affirmed" position of the church. People don't like it when they are told "God doesn't love you". Imagine that. The thing I found most compelling is just how much there is out there on people's minds-hurt, anger (not so surprising) and this need for God.

6 AM on a Sunday morning.

2007-08-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a terrible throbbing headache and a bunch of nauseas. I was really awful not very common I get anything. Was wondering what I ate.

So went to bed early, hoping just to make it all go away.

And so I woke at about 3 in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep but kept having wierd dreams that J and I lived in a hovel of an apartment with leaky pipes and newspaper spray painted to the walls and teenagers tipping 40's of 8ball outside my window. Yeesh. I sat on the couch and tried to think how I got back there. I say back, because I thought my days of living in dumps were over.

So I got close to the person next to me and looked up out that window at that cloudy sky early morning Sunday sky of August when everything was all silent. All that was there was a tall cedar from our backyard against the grey. Standing at his usual tall, maybe he too just waking up. Or maybe not.

This week, after our house being on the market for a very long time, dangling in a way, me to start a new job, us needing to move, the offer on our house fell through.

Everyone who comes through this house says how nice it is. It's hard not to say "So then buy it, &*%$!"

I didn't think much about this scenario, aside from being a little bummed, but then as I layed there and stared at this tree against the silent cloudy august early morning sunday sky in bed next to J, I started to feel that sense of how unbelievably fragile everyone's lives are. Maybe more so since I now have 2 people that I value so much, and I know that in truth, there is just so very very little we control or have influence over about our own lives. I felt pretty powerless to protect/help or otherwise do anything good for the only things that are valuable to me. And isn't that just life?

That whole notion of just how excruciatingly little we control in life, and how the stakes are so high for us...we have no other option but to let go or go mad trying trying trying.

We do not control who our parents are, where we are born, how much money we had as we grew up, how much money we have now (for the most part), our mental makeup, our heritage, our legacy, our children, our leaders, our planet, our birth or our death. Whether we drive across a bridge and it crashes down on us crushing our family (! ack! just kidding! sort of!) And there are a bunch of other things we don't control either, those are just the first I can think of.

We do control um, what job we have (sort of), what we wear (sort of, unless we are poor), how we speak, how we treat others, our choices of good or bad, our integrity, what spouse we choose (sort of in some places), our habits, how we spend our time, or whether we choose not to destroy our own life or another (and how we do it)...

When I look at these options, it seems to me that this is perfect design by God to show a person what is important, and what isn't as much...or maybe, what is important to Him.

Still the frailness of life combined with the quantity of love in a mom's heart is a reality cocktail, to be sure. I don't think God meant anyone to dwell on it too much. But it is there, in the background as we go along, wondering whether we are going to buy this or that, deluding ourself about how much control we really do have.

I have no really good way to end off here, but that it is going to be a beautiful day, and I will spend more time with the people I love and try to sell my house some more...

Korean missionaries

2007-08-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

ABC News is following this story.

From what I am getting, Korean medical missionaries went to Afghanistan to do some medical missions work. They were taken hostage by Taliban and now there are negotiations to trade the hostages for some prisoners.

Situations like these... People who are not Christian can't imagine how death loses its sting when a person turns to Christ. The World cannot possibly comprehend the motives of missions workers, and they uses these opportunities to rip into Christians (not a terribly hard thing to do, you'd think they would find a more challenging target).

As for the missionaries, in these circumstances the power of prayer is the power we have.

New Monasticism

2007-07-28T00:55:00.001-07:00

Here is Shane Claiborne of this movement called The New Monastics. It is on NPR's Speaking of Faith.

Interesting...

Here is their website. There is so much there that J and I have talked about, like real community, service and so many things we that seem lost in the church we are in today.

I will be looking more at this! Eyebrow raised........

I love the fact that he talks about community in a real way, food in a real way, conservation and making good decisions about consumption...

He talks about people who are burnt and wrung out on church as it has been (but still believe there is God), he talks about people who think they are doing good because they buy organic or recycle because people want so much to do the right thing (even if that organic thing was flown in from Chile) and it goes for the same people who won't listen to Metallica because they think it will surely ally them with the devil...

He talks about how some christians (the leader of a major Evangelic organization recently got in trouble because he bucked this particular dogma) believe the environment is really a non-issue, and what really needs to be controlled are those homosexuals and abortion. He talks about going overboard with this patriotism in the church, as if it belongs there. He even talks about the Amish.

He talks about the Martin Luther King/Mohandas Gandhi response to violence and "the scandalous love" required in the way of nonviolence. And burnout...

The Simple Way

McKenzie Study Center & L'Abri

2007-07-28T00:07:00.001-07:00

Tonight J and I talked about a "movement"(?) called the New Monastics.

We talked about issues of faith, and the questions and where they ultimately have to lead a person... He is doing alot of thinking. I am happy about where his thoughts are leading him. I am happy when I can connect them to conversations that we have had about making a life of service something that may be a reality for us... God willing, right?

But later tonight, I remembered this place I came really really close to living. The year was 1992 or maybe 1993. I was going to PSU and planning on transferring to University of Oregon. I had my housing lined up. I had everything ready except for registering for classes.

But then I got sidetracked, opted to stay in Portland (probably a good choice).

But the place I was set to live was called The McKenzie Study Center. I didn't know it at the time, but apparently their whole mission was based on the idea of L'Abri--a place to teach and learn and stay and gather. I was going to live there.

And that was long before I knew of Francis Schaeffer and I didn't know much about CS Lewis, but this little McKenzie Study Center was all about these guys. These guys who are now the reference points of people who we seek to understand and study...

How very cool, even then, as a new little Christian, I was attracted to these things.

On another note though, I am sad that I am missing the L'Abri conference at Willamette University.

Silence

2007-07-16T16:08:00.001-07:00

My mouth will speak words of wisdom;
the utterance from my heart will give understanding.
Psalm 49:3

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

Maybe it was because I watched that movie The Good Shepherd, which is marked by the silence of it's main character.

Or maybe it was a presentation by a guy that talked about silencing all those phones and blackberries and mp3 players and radios and TV's and computers and stereos that fill our life with noise.

Or maybe it is because my own mouth cannot be trusted. Unless I plan what I want to say, or at least weigh its importance, my mouth only gets me in trouble. I am poor at not speaking my mind or heart. I try to get better. I guess the silence makes me uncomfortable, like I have to fill it up with some witty thing. But there is no witty thing, the best thing is silence.

And the silence allows a chance to think, and a chance to listen.

I come from a family where we are all talking over each other and laughing. And eager to put in our bit.

When really the most powerful thing to offer at times is a smile or a laugh or just some deafening silence.

I guess if there was one thing I would like to practice more, it would be silence, and smiling.

2007-07-09T08:49:00.001-07:00

On Sunday, I had a chance to go to the baptism of a student. When a person is a teacher, they get to witness young people who are inspiring to everyone around them, and even the teacher. This young lady, in her positiveness, inspired me. Her baptism was the best I have ever seen!

I had to drive out to Lewisville Park in Battleground Washington, about an hour drive almost. I was with my 2 years old. I hadn't brought the money for parking, I usually don't carry cash and I had given my last 3 bucks to a little girl who was selling bookmarks door to door to go to bible camp.

So, there were a few spots by the entrance that were free, the only glitch being that I had to push my daughter over rocky trails in high heels to get to where the baptism was. I hoped it would be close to the entrance, but it wasn't.

This was a Russian baptism. I saw a few of my former students there. In the church, women were not allowed to wear makeup, many wore skirts to the ground and their head was to be covered.

I have never said this about anyone, but L's dad (L is my student) actually has a countenance and appearance of an apostle. He saw me standing there and sent one of his many daughters over to translate and people from the church over to welcome me. I have visited enough churches that I know how rare this is, and it was appreciated.

The area we were at ...a grassy clearing right infront of the very calm waters of the river that ran through the park. The back drop behind the water was large trees, the river was serene. We all stood on grass, and the choir was elevated slightly on a large step.

The service began with them singing some traditional hymns.

L was dressed all in white. All the baptism's I have seen have been in the little baptismal in the church sanctuary. I remember mine, I had no idea what to wear, and the water was overheated, stagnant. It made me want to to be baptised again, even though it was an utterly frivolous notion.

A preacher spent too long preaching after the choir, and shortly thereafter, everyone crowded around as L and another fellow went into the river and were dunked, one by one. L's mom and sister wrapped her in towels and she went back, probably to change clothes and dry off.

I had to leave after that because my daughter needed some attention, but I wished I could have stayed longer.

Heather

2007-07-06T23:06:00.001-07:00

This is an amazing book, and also a challenging read. I am here.

Judgement

2007-07-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

John 8: 3-11 (New International Version)
3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
11"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

My whole family line, particularly on my dad's side has a particular trait.

It is called being very, very critical.

Before I tamed this beast, it raged in my life, thinking that since I could see and criticise, I was clearly of better vision and judgement than those around me, and therefore I must obviously be superior.

I realized in my life that criticism is probably the most abhorrent quality a person can have. It tears people down. And usually the critic built themselves up on the ashes of what they had attempted to level. I decided that my ability to be critical was not really an asset, but rather something that I had to reign in mightily, and quash to the best of my ability.

It actually was easier than I thought. All it takes is love. Yes, it sounds corny.

But a live and let live attitude, turning my head, shrugging my shoulders, a smile and then knowing that we can reap what we sow, whenever the critical beast came up, I knew it was an opportunity to quash it. It was an opportunity to show love, compassion, empathy. And that is always good for me to practice.

Now, when I get the urge to be critical, I usually put the bit in my mouth. I know the old self righteous feeling, I have seen it in my dad and grandma before they layed someone to waste with their corrosive commentary.

I think it is normal for a person to be abnormally disturbed by things at times of their lives that may not matter one whit to others. Like a manager might be sensitive to people who come in late, but a coworker probably wouldn't care as much. Or a person in a rush is less patient with the person in line who has unusual needs and calls for a managers expertise, whereas the same person in no rush wouldn't care.

As a mom, I am more aware of things I used to never care at all about. Like people who smoke around my kid, or swear around my spongebrained 2 year old.

Where am I going with this? People judge other people based on an entirely unique criteria all their own.

Christians judge other people too, on their Christian criteria. Dancing, smoking, drinking, swearing, church attendance, dress, ways money is spent, gentleness, politics, job, attitude are all areas where Christians generally feel free to call judgments down on other Christians and non Christians as well.

I seldom here a sermon talking about not judging other people. I seldom hear the pastor talk about "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

In the American church it seems like some passages aren't talked about as much as others are. I like this passage alot.

First, it is so very very freeing. Knowing it is not my job to make a choice or decision about whether what someone does is wrong or to be condemned. But it is also convicting, because when I am grouchy, I know I will be tempted to be less than gentle. It's a nice reminder "Hey man, that's not my job,"

It is a chance to respond with love, a chance to DO something that shows how the Lord has changed my heart. I don't have to be that way I was before, I am a new thing now. And that in itself is like worship and obedience. It is where the rubber hits the road with my faith, and that is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes some ideas come up alot. Judgment is one that comes up to me alot. I know when I am being judged, sometimes I can tell someone thinks I am judging them.

My overall solution to all these scenarios is to just forget about it. Eventually it will all work out.

So my thought about judgment is, what about grace? Provided the offense isn't against the law (national or natural), what about being a peacemaker. We aren't called to judge people for the mistakes and choices they make. I say down with this idea of making decisions about whether a person is "worthy" of our company or not. We aren't called to be judges, we are called to be servants. Blessed are the peacemakers, not the critical and judgmental.

NOW

2007-06-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Father Alfred D'Souza

An acquaintance (more like a ghost) published this followed by apost about his happiness.

It is too rare that people take time out to just be happy.

Christ taught us to live in the present. For me this is a challenge. I am very future oriented and have a wierd little nostalgia that pops its head up from time to time. I wish someone told me when I was young that I would remember all the stupid stuff I did and that I would be aware of it as I went through life. Perhaps I would have made some better choices. Perhaps.

There are so many things I have to learn. Like listening. And smiling more often. And just being happy and remembering all the really amazing things I have now that I have never had before.

This week I started as the "team leader" for the "green gadgets" at our VBS. They are 4 and 5 years old. Already I think these kids are the greatest and I am excited to see them every week. They renew me. I know how innocent their world is.

Begin the Beguine

2007-06-27T00:03:00.001-07:00

"Now when Elisha had fallen sick with the illness of which he was to die, Joash king of Israel went down to him, and wept before him ... So Elisha died, and they buried him. Now bands of Moabites used to invade the land in the spring of the year. And as a man was being buried, lo, a marauding band was seen and the man was cast into the grave of Elisha; and as soon as the man touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood on his feet." (2 Kings 13:14,20-21 RSV)

A long time ago I heard this and I liked it. I absorb and think too much about faith, particularly Christian, to not have thoughts come burbling forth. And here I might take a moment to comb through those thoughts, see what might be something and how to express it in a way that might be worth reading.

I have thought about doing this for a really really long time. I have another blog/place, but it seems very separate from this subject, for some reason the things I consider in my faith seem very personal. Whereas the other stuff on that blog is mostly just, I don't know, a huge mess of stuff.